


why mess up a good thing, baby?

by YaelaTheWordsmith



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: And also New Zealand!!, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Gym Trainer/Bartender Ryuu, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Making Out, Mutual Pining, Noya goes to India!!!, Travel Photographer Noya, so much angst oh god, these kids really need to learn to fricking communicate, um very vague spoilers for noya's sibling info i guess??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:46:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28429497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YaelaTheWordsmith/pseuds/YaelaTheWordsmith
Summary: “Shit, you’re cute when you’re drunk,” he says, grinning up affectionately at Noya - not quite buzzed enough to not feel embarrassed about saying that, but buzzed enough to want to say it anyway.Noya blinks, his smile dying, and his head tilts to the side a little. Ryuunosuke raises an eyebrow at him, waiting for him to move so they can both get to bed, but all he does is stare back, eyes wide and unblinking. Just when Ryuunosuke is about to push him off, though, he nods like he’s made a decision, and -- and leans down, and kisses him.Neither Ryuunosuke nor Yuu are quite prepared for everything that follows from a drunk decision one night - not for the thrill of sleeping together, and not for the pain of falling in love with each other when Yuu's job means that Ryuunosuke only sees him after months at a time.
Relationships: Azumane Asahi & Nishinoya Yuu, Ennoshita Chikara & Tanaka Ryuunosuke, Nishinoya Yuu/Tanaka Ryuunosuke
Comments: 70
Kudos: 174





	1. floating on a feeling. fighting with the tide

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Tojos](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tojos/gifts).



> i never thought i would write nearly 21k of tananoya but here we are and omg it was so fun!! tono thank you so very much for commissioning this lovely story! these boys omg my h e a r t
> 
> tono has already done _exquisite_ tananoya art, which you can find on her [Twitter](https://twitter.com/mainbird_art) and [Tumblr](https://main-bird.tumblr.com/)! she will also be putting up art for this fic specifically, which I'll link when posted. fic title is from sleeping with a friend by the neon trees, and chapter titles are from lighthouse keeper by sam smith.
> 
> trigger warning - please note that the last chapter contains an emotionally and physically charged scene where a request for someone to back off was initially ignored, despite the other person's clear discomfort. it's quite brief, but still, stay safe :)

_April  
  
_

“Guys!” Noya yells the second he steps into the bar, sakura petals caught in his hair, arms spread wide and grinning hugely. “I’m back!”

“Noya!” Ryuunosuke yells back, just as loud and grinning just as wide.

“Ryuu!”

“Noya!”

“Ryuu!”

“Oh my god,” Chikara says, smiling reluctantly as both Asahi and Yamaguchi try and fail to smother their laughs. “Shut up and sit down, you idiots.”

“I know you missed me, Chikara, don’t be mean,” Noya laughs, stopping behind his chair to squeeze Chikara’s shoulders tight before sliding into the booth next to Yamaguchi. “Yacchan, Suga-san, Asahi-san, hey! Yamaguchi, look at you! Still a beanpole, huh?”

“Hi, Noya-san!”

“It’s good to see you!”

“You’ve got a tan, Noya,” Suga-san laughs, reaching across the table to ruffle Noya’s hair.

“Yeah, but it suits me,” Noya grins. “Ryuu, pass me a menu, would ya?”

“Yeah, here you go! Dude, the pictures you posted looked so fricking cool!”

“Yeah, it was _awesome_! I learned how to surf and shit! There were a bunch of people from California living over there because the waves are so great, and they taught me! I mean I’m not great at it, obviously, but I can do it! And the beach sand was black and holy shit, you legit can’t walk on it in the afternoon ‘cuz it’s so hot - oh, and there was this one place I went to where they had this candy race, which was so weird but so fun - they basically took all this chocolate, thousands of them, and sent ‘em rolling down this super steep hill, and if the chocolate you bought won you got a prize, and -”

“Noya,” Chikara says, carefully moving his glass of water out of reach of Noya’s animated hands, “do you want to maybe order something before telling us about all the cool things you did in New Zealand?”

Suga-san snorts with laughter, and Noya only grins with unabashed energy before flagging down a waiter and rattling off an order that’s almost definitely the first three things that caught his eyes on the menu.

“Noya,” Ryuunosuke says, his cheeks hurting from smiling.

“Yeah?”

“It’s really great to have you home, dude.”

And Noya, because he’s Noya, laughs delightedly and leans across to hug Ryuunosuke before going right back to being the life and soul of the party, but Ryuunosuke really means it. It’s just like him to burst back into their lives like nothing has changed, and it’s just like him to be as enthusiastic about Suga-san’s teaching job and Yachi’s website and all of their more mundane lives as he is about black beaches and soaring cliffs and surfing in a whole different country - but only when Noya comes back like this, crashing into the room like a tornado and breathing energy into everyone around him, does Ryuunosuke realize how dull life is without him.

It had happened almost by accident, Noya doing this whole travel photography thing. A family member had gifted him a nice camera for his twenty-fourth birthday, and he’d decided on the spur of the moment to go travelling and snap as many cool things as he could. So he had, going all the way up to Hokkaido and coming back down to Mt. Fuji, and ended up back in Miyagi after three months with a startlingly good portfolio of pictures from everywhere he’d been and five thousand followers online. The pictures had been bought, the followers showed no signs of doing anything but multiplying exponentially, and just like that, Noya had a career. He’d done three more trips through Japan before deciding that it was about time he visited a different country, experienced a different culture.

Thus, New Zealand. And thus, apparently, surfer Noya with new Californian friends, which is honestly so cool that Ryuu doesn’t even have the words to describe how cool it is. And everyone else seems to feel the same, caught in a constant ripple of both awe and laughter at Noya’s stories - or maybe it’s just the way Noya tells them, bright-eyed and forthright and charismatic, timing the punchline perfectly every time.

He can’t hold his alcohol on the best of days, though, and tonight he barely bothers to check what’s in the glasses he recklessly downs. As a result, he’s hopelessly drunk within an hour and quite certainly the loudest person in the bar. The rest of them aren’t much better - the cheer they set up when Noya runs around the table to hug each of them twice is nothing short of deafening, and makes the barkeep shoot them a dirty look for the fifth time that night.

But they aren’t kicked out, by some miracle, and it’s well past one in the morning when they finally step outside into the crisp night. Yamaguchi and Yachi take a taxi, Asahi heads for the nearest subway station with an arm around a happily singing Suga’s waist, and Chikara and Ryuunosuke are left with a very buzzed Noya on their hands.

“Taxi?” Ryuunosuke says in Chikara’s general direction, squinting to try and make him out properly.

“Nah, he’ll throw up in thirty seconds,” Chikara says, his voice muzzy. “Y’know what, take him to your house. He can head back home in the morning.”

“Won’ throw up!” Noya mutters defiantly, clinging to Ryuunosuke’s arm with a death grip. “Uber ain’t gonna defeat me!”

“He’ll _definitely_ throw up,” Chikara snorts, stepping past Ryuunosuke to flag down an approaching bus.

“Guess you’re comin’ with me, Noya,” Ryuunosuke says, grunting as Noya leans more of his weight on him. “You’re gonna push me over, dumbass, stand up straight!”

“Have fun,” Chikara grins, waving over his shoulder as the bus doors hiss open. “See you guys at my house tomorrow, yeah?”

“Yep. See ya, Chikara.”

“Bye, Chikara!” Noya yells, and Ryuunosuke hastily puts a hand over his mouth.

“Noya, for god’s sake -” He pushes him to start walking, laughing despite himself. “Let’s get home, yeah?”

“Home’s t’other way,” Noya grumbles into his shoulder. “Wrong way.”

“ _My_ home, not yours. C’mon, it’s only five minutes away.”

“That’s nice! Nice house, only five mins away from such a good bar. It was a _good_ bar, wasn’ it?”

“Sure was, dude.”

“An’ it was so nice to see everyone! We should have the whole team next time! Daichi-san ‘n Narita ‘n Kinoshita ‘n Kageyama ‘n Kiyoko-san ‘n-”

“And everyone,” Ryuunosuke says, tugging him down a side street. “Yeah, we really should.”

“I miss Kiyoko-san,” Noya says, hugging his arm like it’s his childhood teddy bear. “Like, I miss everyone, but also Kiyoko-san. But y’know there are a lot of Kiyoko-sans in the world, Ryuu. Hot an’ nice people. An’ fun people. An’ fun people who ain’t hot. But still really nice and cool, cooler’n me! Everything is so cool, y’know? So many cool places and cool things to do, an’ some of ‘em are even cooler than volleyball! And I wanna do all of ‘em, an’ make a bunch of cool friends, an’ -”

“You sayin’ we ain’t cool, Noya?”

It's a joke, of course, but Noya frowns at him seriously. “You guys are the _coolest_ ,” he says. Most of the gel is gone from his hair, and half of it is flopping into one eye. “‘Specially you, Ryuu, you’re the absolute coolest person _ever_.”

“Dude, I didn't mean -”

“You are, though! ‘S why you ain’t just my friend, you’re my bestest friend. Coolest people are bestest friends, an’ you’re the coolest, an’ manliest, an’ -”

“Okay, okay, I get it,” Ryuunosuke laughs, trying to ignore how warm his face feels. “Up these stairs, come on.”

Noya stumbles up the stairs to Ryuunosuke’s apartment, still listing as many compliments as he can think of. Ryuunosuke manages to get him to take off his shoes and sit at the kitchen table before he goes to grab water for the both of them. It helps kill his own buzz a little, but Noya is evidently still fairly tipsy, so he digs some leftovers out of the fridge for him, heats them up, and sets them down in front of him.

“Eat that, you’ll feel better tomorrow,” he says, stifling a yawn.

“You’re the _best_ ,” Noya says, taking a second to give him a small, lopsided grin before digging in.

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Ryuunosuke smiles back, sitting down to watch him eat and propping his head in his hand to steady his own dizziness. “You don’t gotta tell me a hundred times.”

“But people don’ tell you!” Noya gestures with his spoon, mouth full of food. An’ I don’ know why! You’re given’ me food and lettin’ me stay even though I’m bein’ a pain and that’s really nice of you, dude!”

“Come on, you’re my best friend, of course I-”

“An’ when I told you I wanted to do photo stuff you said I could travel wherever I wanted an’ take awesome pictures even though I sucked so bad at English in school! You, like, _supported_ me! An’ you were the best senpai to Shouyo and Tadashi and everyone in school! An’ I don’ even know why girls didn’ like you, ‘cuz you’re so hot and awesome an’ they should have all liked you! An' -”

“Noya, oh my _god_.” He’s definitely just saying whatever comes into his head right now, but Ryuunosuke is still fighting a strong urge to bury his face in his hands. All this, coming from _Noya_ , is - is pretty darn great to hear.

“You _are_ , though -”

“I really appreciate it, but you gotta finish eating,” Ryuunosuke chuckles, trying to sound firm. “And then change, and then get to bed so you can go home and get back to your family bright and early tomorrow morning. Yeah?”

Noya thankfully subsides with a grumble, and he’s done eating in record time. Ryuunosuke makes him down another half a litre of water, herds him to the bathroom, gives him a shirt and shorts to change into, and is setting out a futon for him by the time he comes out.

“I’m almost done with this, just lemme grab a sheet for you and -”

There’s a soft _thump_ , and he looks around to see Noya sprawled facedown on his bed.

“Dude.”

“Mmmf.”

“That’s my bed.”

“Mmf.”

“Noya, come on, the futon is for you -”

Noya groans something that sounds halfway like ‘But comfy.’ Ryuunosuke sighs, maybe a touch too indulgently.

“Fine, I’ll take the futon. You better not throw up in my bed, though.”

An indecipherable mumble is the only response he gets. When he turns around to grab the sheet for the futon, though, Noya reaches out to grab his shirt, tugging him back surprisingly hard for someone who’s supposed to be inebriated. He falls on his back on the bed, an ‘Oof’ punched out of him, and Noya is sitting on his stomach in a flash.

“You should have the bed too, though,” Noya says, like it’s suddenly the most important thing in the world. His nose is about two inches from Ryuunosuke’s, who has to squint slightly to meet his eyes. “It’s a really nice bed. You know what we should do? We should share it. Dude, we gotta share the bed, that way you can have it too.”

“Noya,” Ryuunosuke laughs, “are you kidding me -”

“No but it’s such a nice bed! You should have it too!”

“It’s _my_ bed, you dumbass,” Ryuunosuke says, laughing even harder. “You know what - okay, fine, we’ll share the bed. You happy now?”

Noya nods hard, looking like Hinata had looked after the first time Kageyama tossed to him, and Ryuunosuke has to take a minute more to calm down and stop laughing.

“Shit, you’re cute when you’re drunk,” he says, grinning up affectionately at Noya - not quite buzzed enough to not feel embarrassed about saying that, but buzzed enough to want to say it anyway.

Noya blinks, his smile dying, and his head tilts to the side a little. Ryuunosuke raises an eyebrow at him, waiting for him to move so they can both get to bed, but all he does is stare back, eyes wide and unblinking. Just when Ryuunosuke is about to push him off, though, he nods like he’s made a decision, and -

\- and leans down, and kisses him.

And Ryuunosuke freezes.

His first thought is _Damn, his lips are soft._ His second thought is -  
  


_Playing video games at Noya’s house on some Friday evening when they’re both nineteen, losing for six matches straight because he’s busy fretting over how to tell Noya - he’d told Chikara and it had gone fine, even great, and Chikara had given him some great advice and websites to look at and stuff, but Noya is different. Losing Noya’s respect would be - fuck. He won’t care, right? He’ll be cool, right?_

_“I’m kicking your ass, Ryuu,” Noya crowing, on his knees and holding his controller almost perpendicular to the ground as he smashes the buttons. “You gotta catch up, come on!”_

_If Ryuunosuke doesn’t say it now, he’ll never say it._

_“Noya, can we pause for a second?”_

_“Hm? Sure -” The figures on the screen going still, a bright red ‘Continue?’ flashing in block letters, Noya turning to him. “What’s up?”_

_“I wanted to tell you something. About - about me. That I figured out a while ago. Like - I - this is important to me, and I want the people who are important to me to know too, so -”_

_Noya looking half pleased and half flustered at that, his eyes still dark and enquiring. “Sure, Ryuu. What is it?”_

_“I - I, um - I think I like guys, too. Not - not just girls. I like both.”_

_Noya kind of just looking at him for a second, his expression something halfway between uncomprehending and surprised, Ryuunosuke’s pulse going into overdrive - and then Noya grinning again, much wider than before, slinging an arm around Ryuunosuke’s shoulder._

_“Really? That’s fricking awesome, dude, you got so much more choice now! Good for you!”_

_Ryuunosuke bursting out laughing, and laughing and laughing and laughing at his weird, awesome best friend until Noya starts laughing too, just from sympathy, the two of them ending up in an exhausted, giggling pile on Noya’s bedroom floor.  
  
_

And his third thought is a disjointed, _Is that why he’s doing this? Because I told him - because he thinks it’s okay to - does he feel the same way? Or is he just - he’s never said he’s -_

His hands go to Noya’s shoulders, about to push him away, because he needs a second to process this, to figure out what the hell is happening, to ask _Noya_ what the hell he’s doing -

\- but _shit_ , where the fuck did Noya learn how to kiss like this?

He has one hand on Ryuunosuke’s chest, fingertips resting lightly on his collarbone, and the other braced by Ryuunosuke’s head as he nudges Ryuunosuke’s mouth open and gently - so gently - sinks the edge of his teeth into Ryuunosuke’s lip. He’s shifted most of his weight from Ryuunosuke to his legs, kneeling over him, and all of his hair is soft and down now, brushing against Ryuunosuke’s closed eyes. The shirt he’s wearing is too big for him, and he smells like Ryuunosuke's soap, tastes like his toothpaste, as he kisses him deeper and his hand slides up to cup Ryuunosuke’s cheek.

And Ryuunosuke knows that he’d wanted Noya to stop doing this half a minute ago, but he - can’t quite remember why anymore. Noya is kissing him so sweetly, and he’s tired and still a little tipsy from all the alcohol he’s had tonight, and soft heat is pooling under his skin where Noya is touching him, and it’s the easiest thing in the world to give in and slide his hands up Noya’s neck, into his hair.

Noya moves closer with a quiet sound in his throat, and Ryuunosuke arches up into him, just a little. They kiss for a minute or so more, slow and careful, before Noya shifts back.

“Noya,” Ryuunosuke whispers, fingers still tangled loosely in his hair. Noya’s eyes are somehow almost luminous in the low light of his bedroom. “What are you doing?”

“You don’t want me?” Noya whispers back, tilting his head. The question sounds - normal, somehow, like if the answer is no Noya will just nod and get off of Ryuunosuke and go to sleep, and this whole thing will just become a drunk mistake to laugh about in the morning.

His shoulders are curved differently now, though, marked by a new line of tension, like he’s _expecting_ Ryuunosuke to say no, and that does something to Ryuunosuke’s heartstrings that makes them feel like they’re being pulled achingly tight. Ryuunosuke drops his gaze to the rest of his face, wondering how to say it, wondering if he really wants to. Noya’s breath is fanning softly across his cheeks as he waits, his thin lips looking so damn kissable, the collar of Ryuunosuke’s shirt falling away to reveal the slope where his neck meets his chest, painted pale gold by the lamp on Ryuunosuke’s desk.

And Ryuunosuke thinks, _Fuck it_.

“God, I want you so much,” he breathes, and he rolls him over in one swift motion, kissing him into the bed as hard as he can as Noya’s legs wrap tight around his waist.

***

Yuu wakes up slowly, bright morning light filtering across his face. For a second he doesn’t recognize the colour of the pillows, or the smell of the sheets - but then his gaze falls on Ryuu’s bare back next to him, and the events of last night come creeping back with steadily growing clarity.

 _Oh, shit -_ Yuu throws an arm over his eyes, embarrassment crawling into his face in a slow, hot wave. _What the hell was I thinking?_

He should probably be having some kind of identity crisis right now, but the crisis is less to do with the fact that he slept with a guy and more that he slept with _Ryuu_. His best goddamn friend. Seriously, what the hell had he been thinking?

. . . Okay, in all fairness, no one would have been able to resist Ryuu last night. He’d been all stupidly hot in that cool black jacket he wore to the bar and unfairly kind and caring when he brought Noya home and unbelievably cute when he laughed and _incredibly_ good with his hands and his mouth and -

 _Okay, wow, what the fuck? Have I been crushing on him this whole time?_ Yuu peeks out at Ryuu from behind his elbow, watching the way the curve of his spine shifts as he breathes. _Nah, I don’t think so. I always thought he was pretty hot, but I never wanted to, like, **do** anything about it till last night. Damn . . . I know I’m pretty impulsive, but jumping him like that? Definitely not a cool move to pull, even if he enjoyed himself later - okay, shut up! Don’t think about that right now! What the hell am I going to say when he wakes up?_

Yuu spends about ten minutes thinking about it, frowning at the ceiling, before he decides that things aren’t so bad. Ryuu _had_ enjoyed himself - the several dark marks both of them have littered across their skin are clear evidence of that - and he’d said, quite clearly, that he wanted Yuu too. There’s no point in getting flustered about the whole thing now. Yuu just needs to clear up a few things, make it clear exactly where he stands, find out what Ryuu wants, and then they’ll be cool. And if Ryuu regrets it, if he doesn’t want whatever happened between them to happen again, he’ll say so and that’ll be it. Yep. That’ll be fine. Yuu will absolutely respect whatever he wants to do.

He doesn’t really want to sit around waiting to find out what it’s going to be, though (or if their friendship is gonna be Weird now, fuck), and anyway there’s no time like the present, right? So he leans over to shake Ryuu’s shoulder.

“Ryuu, hey. Get up.”

Ryuu makes a grumbling noise as he rolls over, forehead scrunching up as he blinks awake. For a second he looks at Yuu, blank and a little confused, then his eyes go wide.

“Hey, uh - what’s - what’s up?”

“Dude, so listen, I wanna apologize for last night - like, I kinda just threw myself at you, and I think I kinda freaked you out, so. Really sorry about that.”

Heat is creeping into Ryuu’s cheeks. “I - no, it was fine - I mean, more than fine, it was good, last night was - was, um -”

“Yeah?” Yuu grins, suddenly inordinately happy. “Cool! I don’t know what I was thinking, honestly, but you were smokin’ hot and also really sweet and I just wanted to kiss your face, you know?”

Ryuu’s entire face is bright red, now. “Shit, Noya, what -”

“And we don’t even have to talk about it ever again if you don’t want to, I totally get it if that’s how you feel, but honestly I had a really great time and I’m down to do it again if you are.”

Ryuu’s mouth opens, closes, and opens again before he says, “Like - like right now?”

“No, dumbass,” Yuu laughs. “Like whenever. Next time I come over or something, whatever’s good with you.”

“Oh, okay. That’s - yeah.” Ryuu smiles at him, sudden and sweet. “Yeah, I like the sound of that.”

“Awesome!” Yuu punches his shoulder enthusiastically before hopping out of bed and stretching. “I mean, if you _want_ to go another round right now -”

“No, absolutely not,” Ryuu laughs. “I definitely ain’t got the energy, and my head is killing me.”

“Next time, then,” Yuu says, giving him a quick grin and grabbing his shirt off the floor.

Ryuu is now propped up on one elbow, watching as he pulls it on. “Dude, don’t you have a hangover?”

“Nope!”

“Huh.” A couple of minutes pass in silence, Ryuu still watching him, before he says, “So, uh . . . you’re into guys too?”

Yuu tugs his pants up and puts his hands on his hips, giving Ryuu - bare-chested, sheet rucked up by his hips, sunlight gleaming on his skin - a clear once-over. “Apparently,” he says, letting his voice drop a little lower and his grin grow wider, and decides he very much likes the way Ryuu bites his lip and looks away when he’s embarrassed.

Yeah, they’re going to be fine.

***

Noya has about two weeks before he’s off on his next trip, to Australia this time, and he comes over once more before he leaves. They’re a little awkward around each other at first, but then Noya hugs Ryuunosuke from behind when he’s cooking, quick and tight with his cheek pressed to the back of his neck, and grins up at Ryuunosuke a little shyly when he turns around - and Ryuunosuke grins back, and suddenly everything is fine. They eat lunch like they normally do, play a few rounds of whatever video game Ryuunosuke has on hand like they normally do, and then Noya climbs into his lap and kisses him soundly, like they do this all the time, too.

“Okay?” he says, eyes bright.

“Absolutely,” Ryuunosuke says, reaching up to kiss him again as his hands slide under the hem of his shirt.

He sees Noya off at the airport with his family, standing just a little behind everyone else as Noya says goodbye. He’s so excited to go, hugging his parents and his sisters and his parents again, promising to bring them back everything under the sun, and Ryuunosuke has to hide a smile more than once.

“What’re you laughing at, huh?” Noya says when he finally gets around to Ryuunosuke, mock-glaring even though he’s almost bouncing on his feet.

“Nothing, you’re just cute,” Ryuunosuke grins, flicking the tip of his nose. “You’re gonna have an awesome trip, dude.”

Noya blinks at him, a hint of pink in his face, before he grins back and reaches up to hug Ryuunosuke. “Thanks! See you when I get back, yeah? And text me if you want anything!”

“Yep, I will!”

Noya gives them all one last round of hugs before dashing off into the airport, and his family very kindly treat Ryuunosuke to dinner before they drop him off at home.

And that’s the first time.

The second time is when Noya comes back after Australia, having posted pictures almost every single day from all the places he’d been to. An especially cute selfie with him sitting cross legged on the ground, tilting his face up as if to kiss a young kangaroo who’s sniffing down at him inquisitively, gets his follower count to thirty thousand followers nearly overnight. Ryuunosuke gets twenty texts from him in all caps a couple of days later, about a magazine that got in touch with him about sponsoring a trip to Greece so he can shoot for them, and calls him immediately.

“Ryuu!”

“That’s so awesome, Noya!”

“I know! I can’t believe this, holy shit!”

“Your photos have gotta be damn good to get picked up by a magazine this fast, huh?”  
  
“I’ve still got a long way to go,” Noya chuckles, “but yeah, I’ve been trying to learn whatever I could off the internet on like train rides and stuff. I met some photographers here too, they gave me a bunch of great tips. I’m super glad it paid off!”

Ryuunosuke rolls onto his back on his bed, smiling as he settles his head on the pillow. “That’s really awesome, Noya. When do you gotta go to Greece? When are you back from Australia?”

“I’m back next Wednesday, I’ll get in at four in the morning, and I’ll need to leave for Greece in a week. I gotta get a bunch of stuff for trekking and mountain climbing, they want me to take enough photos from Mount Olympus for a whole spread.”

“Oh hey, one of the girls who works with me at the gym used to do that kinda stuff! I can ask her about what to buy and where to go and all that, if you want.”

“Heck yeah, that’d be great! How’s your job going, by the way? You had that one annoying-ass customer, is he still around?”

“I can’t believe you remember all that boring stuff,” Ryuunosuke laughs, “when you’re going around scuba diving and smooching kangaroos and -”

“I didn’t actually smooch him, idiot! And of course I remember, why would I not?”

“Aww,” Ryuunosuke grins, kind of pleased that Noya does remember. “Well, yeah, that guy’s still around. I shifted to working just mornings there, though, so I don’t gotta see him as much, and I work weekends at a bar now! Which is so much fun, way more fun than I thought it’d be.”

“Dude, really? So we can go out for free drinks where you work now? That’s _awesome!_ ”

“Not _that_ many free drinks, my boss would kill me. And it means I don’t have weekend nights to spend with you guys now, which kinda sucks.”

“You still have weekday nights, though.” Noya’s grinning, Ryuunosuke can hear it. “Even if you can’t spend ‘em with everyone else, you still have me, right?”

Ryuunosuke has to swallow once before he can say, “Yeah, I - yeah, that’s a good point.”

“Aw, Ryuu,” Noya says, and he’s definitely grinning wider now. “You miss me?”

This time Ryuunosuke finds the composure to make his voice a little deeper, a little more flirty, as he says, “Yeah, of course I miss you. You don’t miss me, Noya?”

“ ‘Course I do,” Noya says instantly, defiantly, because he couldn’t back down from a challenge if his life depended on it, but his voice isn’t quite as steady as it was before. “Hey, Ryuu -”

“Yeah?”

“You wanna pick me up from the airport when I get back? I can go home in the morning, we could -”

“ _Fuck_ yes.”

“Great. Damn, I really wanna be there with you right now.”

Ryuunosuke closes his eyes for a second. Only Noya. Only Noya could say shit like that without thinking twice about it.

“I gotta go now, though,” he continues. “I’ll call you when I get time, yeah?”

“Yeah, yeah, no problem, just let me know when you’re free. See you, Noya.”

“Bye, Ryuu!”

That Wednesday morning takes an intolerably long time to arrive, but arrive it does, and 4:30 AM finds Ryuunosuke with his wrists pinned to his own front door, Noya kissing him so deeply he can’t form a thought coherent enough to say that they should at least take their shoes off. They do make their way to the bedroom eventually, somehow - though Ryuunosuke is damned if he knows how the hell it happens - and they fall into exhausted sleep only when the sun is just peeking over the horizon.

Ryuunosuke has to force himself to get up in an hour to get to work, and he lets Noya sleep late in his bed. He’s still there when Ryuunosuke gets back at lunchtime, sprawled out and snoring quietly with his cheek smushed into the pillow.

“Noya,” Ryuunosuke says, shaking him gently. “Hey, it’s past one. You gotta get home.”

“Mmf?” Noya pushes himself to sit up, yawning.

“Your sister called me, dude.”

“Which one?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Ryuunosuke laughs, “get some clothes on and go home.”

Noya sways forward to plant a lazy kiss on Ryuunosuke’s cheek before he hops out of bed, and Ryuunosuke retaliates by ducking his head to place a kiss on his bare shoulder. Noya chuckles quietly, laying a hand on Ryuunosuke’s cheek for a second.

“You’ll drive me home?” he says, looking up mischievously through his eyelashes.

“Like hell I will,” Ryuunosuke laughs, pressing a kiss with too much teeth into his palm before stepping away to let him get dressed. “I’ll grab lunch for ya, though.”

“Fair enough. Hey, Ryuu?”

Ryuunosuke pauses, looking back. “Yeah?”

Noya smiles, soft and unselfconscious, a slight figure standing in the middle of Ryuunosuke’s bedroom floor. “I’m really glad we’re doing this, you know?”

And Ryuunosuke smiles back. “Yeah, so am I.”

***

So they fall into a pattern. Noya makes it home between his trips for anything between three days to two weeks, and Ryuunosuke’s less conventional work schedule means that he’s usually available to accommodate his inconvenient flight timings. If he can’t pick him up, Noya will go home and make it to Ryuunosuke’s when Ryuunosuke has time for him - but it’s usually the two of them driving to Ryuunosuke’s apartment in the dead of the night on empty roads, both a little quieter than usual both from the lateness of the hour and the anticipation of what’s going to come next. Ryuunosuke still never makes the first move - he loves what they do, of course he does, but Noya started this and he’ll keep it going only if Noya shows him - and keeps showing him - that he wants it to happen. So Noya will nuzzle into the side of his neck, or grab Ryuunosuke’s collar and pull him into a kiss, or sneak his small hands under Ryuunosuke’s shirt, or into his back pockets, then pause and say “Okay?”And Ryuunosuke will nod, breathe “Yeah,” into the space between their mouths, and pull him closer without wasting a second more.

It’s both so much more than he expected and so similar to how they were before that he can’t even remember, sometimes, how they were before they started doing this. They’re still best friends, they still get along incredibly well, they still trust each other with everything - it’s just that _everything_ has now expanded to include the way Noya likes his coffee on lazy Saturday mornings, the way Ryuunosuke likes to wrap an arm around Noya’s waist when they sleep, the way Noya likes Ryuunosuke’s hands on his thighs, the way Ryuunosuke likes Noya’s teeth at his neck, the way they both like to be loud and the way they both like to hear each other be loud. Everything just clicks so goddamn easily, and Ryuunosuke can’t help wondering why the hell they’d never thought to do this before.

Everything after the sex is just as easy, too. Either nestled against each other in the dark, or wolfing down breakfast together in the morning, they talk about anything and everything they can think of. Ryuunosuke likes to hear about all the things Noya’s done, tracing his waist lightly as he listens to him talk about all the places he’s been to and sights he’s seen. And even though Noya never runs out of stories to share, he always asks about Ryuunosuke’s life too, as if the rowdy office workers Ryuunosuke had to kick out of the bar one night are as interesting to him as running with the bulls in Spain. “You’re really something, Noya,” he tells him once, but when Noya gives him a curious look, he doesn’t know how to say -

_\- you’ve been to so many places I’ll probably never see and you’re still the same Noya I’ve always known - you’re still reaching higher, you still want to learn more, do more, **be** more, and you still don’t think you’re anything special, when you’re -_

“- you’re just fuckin’ awesome,” he grins, rolling Noya over and blowing a raspberry into his neck to make him yell with laughter.

The times in between, when Noya is off being incredible, are . . . not boring, exactly, but normal life feels like soda gone flat without him. The taste is still there, the excitement isn’t. That was true before too, of course, but the effect is heightened now, like the soda is all Ryuunosuke has to get through sweltering summer days instead of breezy spring.

If he can’t be with Noya, though, he can at least keep up with what he’s doing, where he’s going, maybe indulge in a daydream or two about how cool it would be to join him on a trip someday. He catches up on Noya’s social media first thing in the morning when he wakes up, and usually checks it whenever he’s bored or has a few minutes free during that day. Noya in California using the surfing skills he picked up in New Zealand, Noya in Ireland petting dogs who dwarf him even sitting down, Noya’s stunning pictures of temples in Cambodia, Noya climbing any and every mountain he happens across and always posing on top with one fist upraised and the wildest grin on his face, like he’s the first person to ever see the view from that summit.

He meets people everywhere he goes, too, and the few video clips he puts up he has everyone from school students on the street to farmers in the market to food truck vendors talking to him, laughing with him, telling him about themselves. It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t speak the language fluently, or that they’re on camera - his energy is so infectious, his smile so endearing, that by the end of a single conversation they’re treating him like family. He seems to come back from every trip with new friends to stay in touch with because they’ve hosted him at their homes, or shown him around their locality, or taught him about their culture. He himself starts getting quite a bit of attention, but he still prefers to backpack around with just a couple of other people, taking the trip as it comes. Not for Noya the luxuries of five star hotels or SUV taxis, even if he’s being sponsored and the costs are taken care of. He’s always firm in refusing, preferring instead to find humble homestays and go around on public transport, rickshaws, and when nothing else is available, his own two feet.

Noya calls Ryuunosuke whenever he can, which is about once or twice a week, and it’s - more often than he used to when they both lived in Japan, honestly, but it somehow doesn’t quite feel like enough. As months pass Ryuunosuke starts to find himself starved for stories about Noya, brushing off questions about his own life to ask instead about what Noya did with that person he met the other day, or what he saw when he went exploring with that forest ranger, or how it felt to rappel down that cliff. Nothing worthy of note is really happening in his own life, anyway; certainly nothing compared to Noya.

They text fairly often, too, but time zones often mean that a time that’s convenient for one of them isn’t for the other. And Noya’s super busy with his adventures, which Ryuunosuke knows, but there’s still sometimes a tiny lump of disappointment that sinks to the bottom of his stomach when he wakes up to find that Noya hasn’t yet responded to what he’d sent yesterday.

Ryuunosuke, in fact, started to find that he misses his best friend more these days than he ever has before.

He talks to Chikara about it, after about a year. He knows Noya’s told Asahi-san about them, and of course Asahi-san is a great person who’d probably be more than willing to hear him out if he asked, but he really wants someone equally close to both him and Noya to talk to. So he calls him one Friday night in the tail end of winter, curled up cozily under a pile of blankets.

“Wait, so this started last April?” Chikara sounds half disbelieving, half startled.

“Yeah. I don’t know why we never told anyone else about it for such a long time, but it just - it felt like our secret, kinda? I know he told Asahi-san a while back, and - I don’t know, I wanted you to know too.”

“I’m honoured,” Chikara laughs. “Damn. I don’t really know how to react, honestly.”

“What was the first thing you thought when I said it?”

“My first thought was . . . well, it was ‘Those two? Together?’ But the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. You guys fit, somehow.”

Ryuunosuke smiles into his pillow, quiet happiness washing over him. “Thanks, Chikara.”

“I still can’t believe you’ve been long distance dating since _April_ and I’m just hearing about it now, but -”

“Oh, we’re - we ain’t dating, we just. You know. Just sleep together whenever he comes home. Like a friends with benefits thing.”

“Oh. Oh, okay. Wait, so -” Chikara breaks off, unusually hesitant.

“So what?”

“So are you like . . . exclusive? Does he sleep with other people when he’s travelling? Or do you -”

“I don’t,” Ryuunosuke says instantly, the happiness from before starting to dissipate. “I haven’t. Shit, I never even thought - I’ve never asked. I don’t know if he does.”

“You two never talked about this?”

“We didn’t, nah. It just kinda happened, we never sat down and drew up like a list of rules or whatever.”

Chikara is quiet for a second before he says, oddly gently, “And you’re okay with that?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be? We’re still just friends, it’s not like we ain’t allowed to sleep with other people.”

Even Ryuunosuke can hear that he sounds less than convincing, but Chikara mercifully doesn’t pursue the subject. “Okay then,” he says. “Okay wait, Ryuu, I gotta ask you something - doesn’t Noya have a weird birthmark right under his butt? I swear I saw it once, but he gets all embarrassed when I asked him about it, so you’re my only hope for blackmail material now -”

Ryuunosuke bursts out laughing. “I’m not telling you, dude! I’m not gonna betray him like that!”

“Come on, he’ll never know! I just need to know if it’s really there or not!”

The conversation turns to birthmarks, then birthdays, then parents and family, and Noya is forgotten. Chikara only brings it up again at the end, when he says, “You can always talk to me about whatever goes on with you guys, yeah?”

Ryuunosuke says “Thanks, Chikara,” and they say good night, and Ryuunosuke is left alone in his bed, feeling strangely lonely. He takes a long time to get to sleep, and when he does, his dreams are full of smiles bright as burning magnesium, hands small enough to curve perfectly around his face, excitement flashing like lightning in dark brown eyes, and a voice that could fill the sky murmuring his name like a prayer.

In the morning he reaches for his phone, sees _No new messages_ , and decides that going for a run would be a great way to get rid of the weird tickle behind his eyes and pull himself together.

After all, it’s what Noya would do, right?


	2. don't resist the rain and storm, I'll never leave you lost at sea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> good intentions going wrong all over the place oh boy, ryuu really doesn't deserve this >.<

_ July  
  
_

“Asahi-san, hey!” Yuu flops back onto his rucksack to look up at the stars, adjusting his head so it’s on the least bumpy part. “What’s up?”

“Nothing much,” Asahi-san chuckles. Yuu can hear the rustling of paper being unwrapped. “I’m on my lunch break. What about you?”

“We’re camping for the night! I read that this part of Canada has those huge-ass black widow spiders, I’m really hoping one of those doesn’t crawl into my tent in the middle of the night. A bear would be okay, but a spider would be fuckin’ creepy.”

“There are bears in the forest you’re in?”

“And wolves, I think.” Noya grins at the sky at Asahi-san’s worried tone. “I’ll be fine, Asahi-san.”

“If you say so . . .”

“I’ve survived so far, haven’t I?”

“That you have. So?”

“So?”

“So why’d you call? Not that I’m not happy to hear from you, but the last time we spoke was a while ago. Is something wrong?”

“Nah, everything’s good. Just . . . I don’t know, just wanted to talk to a friend at home.”

Asahi-san hums quietly. “Are you lonely, Noya?”

“Not _lonely_ , just kinda tired. I’m gonna take a bit of a break the next time I come home.”

“That’ll be nice, resting at home for a while.” It’s an ordinary thing to say, but Asahi-san tends to say these things in a gentle, reassuring way that has Yuu relaxing without realizing it, the tension of trekking the whole day starting to melt away. “You can finally meet everyone from school properly, hm?”

“Yeah,” Yuu sighs, stretching out one hand to see how it looks against the sky. “And I can spend more time with Ryuu, too.”

“How’s that going? I’m a little surprised you called me and not him, to be honest.”

“He’ll be on his way home from work right now. Didn’t wanna try and force a conversation when he’s on the subway, reception is already kinda shitty here.”

Asahi-san hums again, a little skeptically this time.

“What?”

“Is that really why you don’t want to call him?”

“Yeah? I mean, why else -” Asahi makes another skeptical sound, and Yuu frowns. “What are you thinking, Asahi-san?”

“I mean . . . you mentioned before that he’s been a little different recently, so I just thought - you generally don’t have the time to talk to him for much more than twenty minutes, right? I thought you might want to put off talking to him until you can hash everything out properly.”

“Ryuu hasn’t been _different_ , it’s just -” Yuu lets his hand drop, frowning harder. “I just thought he was being a little quieter than usual lately, that’s all. Like, he didn’t seem to want to talk about his own life much when I asked, but I guess he just didn’t feel like talking that day.”

“And was he still quieter than usual when you called him after that?”

“Not really? I don’t think so, I think he was fine.”

“Okay, then. Forget I said -”

“Why, do you think something’s up with Ryuu?”

Asahi-san audibly hesitates. “It - sort of sounded like there might be, yeah. Maybe talk to him about it?”

“If there was something wrong he’d tell me, Asahi-san.”

“Well, you know him better than I do. Never mind, Noya, I was probably wrong.”

“Hmph.” They’re silent for a moment or two before Yuu says, quietly, “I guess you’re right about why I don’t call him, though. Like, the thing about not being able to talk for very long. It doesn’t feel like enough. I - I end up feeling kinda shitty afterwards.”

“You can say you miss him, Noya.” He’s back to gentle, and for some weird reason it makes a lump start to grow in Yuu’s throat.

“I miss him, then,” he says, even quieter. “Sometimes it feels like I’ve ditched him, you know? All of you guys, but him more than anyone.”

“He’s your best friend. It makes sense you’d feel that way. But it’s not selfish to try to live your life the way you want to.”

“Sure feels like it, sometimes.”

Asahi-san sighs softly. “Talk to him about this, why don’t you? I’m sure he doesn’t grudge you your happiness.”

“Yeah, I know he wouldn’t, but -”

 _There’s something I can’t put my finger on, something that’s bugging me, and I don’t know if it’s him or me or what._ But Yuu doesn’t know how to say that without sounding silly, so he doesn’t say anything.

“Just ask him,” Asahi-san says, even more gently. “Once you’re back.”

“Yeah.” Yuu takes a long breath and lets it out. “Yeah, I will. Thanks, Asahi-san.”

“No problem, Noya.” He’s smiling now, the warmth of it clear in his voice.

“Noya!” someone yells from over by the campfire. “We gotta get started on dinner, c’mon!”

“Coming!” he yells back in English. “Sorry, Asahi-san, I gotta go.”

Asahi-san is laughing. “All that time Ennoshita spent on helping you with English wasted in school,” he grins, “and now you’re speaking it like a natural.”

“Natural is way too much,” Yuu laughs, “but definitely better than Chikara, now!”

“Poor guy. Go have fun, and don’t get eaten by bears. Or wolves. Or a horde of spiders.”

“I’ll try! See ya, Asahi-san.”

“Bye, Noya.”

***

It’s about a year and a half after Noya’s first trip overseas, in the beginning of September, when he gets home from an extended trip across Canada and announces that he isn’t going anywhere for at least a whole month.

And it’s _amazing_.

He makes sure to meet everyone at least once while he’s there, old classmates and everyone from the team and a whole lot of extended family, but he’s undoubtedly at Ryuunosuke’s place more than anywhere else, almost more than his own home. Every chance he gets and every time Ryuunosuke is free - which means practically every other night - finds him knocking at Ryuunosuke’s door, and oh, kissing him feels like a hairline fracture in Ryuunosuke’s heart is being closed over. The best is when Noya shows up at the bar Ryuunosuke works at, alone and flirting with Ryuunosuke over the counter all night long, getting so drunk that when Ryuunosuke finally drags him home he’s clinging and soft and pliant in ways he never, ever is otherwise. Ryuunosuke gets to make his eyes go hazy with pleasure, gets to make him cry out louder than he ever has before, gets to make him pant and swear and plead and curl helpless fingers against Ryuunosuke’s chest as he falls over the edge too many times to count in one night, and it’s fucking _perfect_. Ryuunosuke is bad with words, he knows this, so this is the only way he knows to show Noya how amazing he is and how much he -

_~~\- loves -~~ _

\- misses him. How much he misses him.

“You’re growin’ your hair out,” Noya says against the top of his head one night, fingertips lightly skimming across Ryuunosuke’s cheek.

“Yeah,” Ryuunosuke murmurs into his neck, drowsy and content. “Figured it was time for a change.”

“Yeah? It looks good.”

He turns his head to catch Noya’s fingers, letting them brush across his mouth in an approximation of a kiss as silent thanks before settling back.

“Ryuu?”

“Mm?”

“I wanted to ask you something.”

“Yeah? Go ahead.”

“Have you been doing okay?”

Ryuunosuke shifts to look up at him, confused, his brows drawing together a little. “What? Yeah, everything’s fine. Why?”

Noya stares at him for a second, frowning intently, biting his lip. “I don’t know, I just felt like - I don’t know. Like you were kinda worried or sad or something. And I thought it might be - fuck, this is gonna sound so dumb -”

Ryuunosuke reaches down to find his hand, tangling their fingers together. “Hey, it's okay. You know you can tell me whatever.”

Noya shrugs, the frown easing into a rueful smile. “I missed you real bad, these last few times I was gone, and I thought it might be the same for you. That sounds so arrogant, shit - I know you’ve got your own stuff going on, it’s not like I’m _that_ important -”

“You are!” Ryuunosuke raises himself up onto one elbow. “You are. I really, really missed you too.”

Noya leans down to kiss him, smiling against his mouth. “Yeah?” he murmurs, squeezing Ryuunosuke’s hand tight.

“Yeah,” Ryuunosuke whispers back. “I was, uh - pretty stalkery with how much I looked you up online. I knew where you were every single day.”

Noya laughs, soft and sweet, and Ryuunosuke kisses him again. “I didn’t think you missed me that much, though,” he murmurs, nudging his nose against Noya’s jaw. “You’re doing so many cool things, and I’m just - I don’t know -”

“You’re not _just_ anything,” Noya says, startlingly fierce, taking Ryuunosuke’s chin and lifting it so there’s nowhere to look but him. “You - this - everything, _all_ of this, means so much to me. You hear me?”

Ryuunosuke surges forward to kiss him, hard enough that Noya falls back against the pillow with a _thump_ , and as he hitches one of Noya’s legs over his waist, as he kisses him deeper, his heart has never felt lighter than it has right now. Noya’s hands slide up, fingers curling in his hair, arching up against him as he kisses him right back, and they don’t do very much talking for the rest of the night.

***

And then the party happens.

They meet up with everyone like they had that first time, Asahi-san and Suga-san and Yamaguchi and Chikara and Yachi, and they throw a party for Noya because it’s his birthday, the tenth of October - and also because he’s like a celebrity now! He’s got more than a million followers! He’s got pictures published in famous magazines! They absolutely have to celebrate, and so Suga-san and Chikara book a tiny restobar for a whole afternoon and send out messages to everyone who can possibly attend.

A surprising number of old classmates show up, though everyone has their own work, their own lives, scattered all over the country. Daichi-san makes it for the first half of the party, and Narita and Kinoshita come as a surprise for Noya, laughing when he yells excitedly and pounces on them with huge hugs. Tsukishima and Hinata show up at the same time, Hinata vibrating with excitement and Tsukishima looking vaguely resigned to his fate. Even Ukai-san comes, looking kind of sheepish and being gruffer than usual to cover it up. And everyone is having fun, and Noya is glowing with how happy he is to see all of them - and Ryuunosuke, standing in a corner nursing a glass of orange punch, feels like the worst bastard to ever exist.

They’d walked in together, he and Noya, and he’d caught the way both Asahi-san and Chikara had glanced at them for the briefest second - curious, anticipatory, trying not to show it. Then Noya had bounded forward to greet everyone and the moment had vanished like a soap bubble in the sun, but Ryuunosuke can’t forget it. Asahi-san and Chikara are the only ones who know how much he and Noya truly mean to each other, how much they’ve _grown_ to mean to each other, and they’d looked like they’d expected - more. More than just the normal Noya-and-Ryuu, the loudness, the rowdiness, the easy friendship. They’d looked like they’d expected -

Daichi-san nudges him. “You okay, Tanaka?”

 _Shit, I didn’t even notice him coming_. “Yeah, Daichi-san, of course!” he grins, hoping to god it’s believable.

“Kinda expected you to be out there causing havoc with Noya.”

“Nah, I’m all adult and mature now.”

“Are you, now?” Daichi-san laughs. “Noya’s better half, huh?”

The phrase slides into Ryuunosuke’s heart like a nail slipping between his ribs. “That’s me,” he says, still forcing a smile.

“So you’re responsible for his wardrobe, hmm? Never thought Noya could pull off a turtleneck, but it actually looks pretty good on him. Or is a new sense of style something he picked up abroad?”

“Ah, no, he -”

_\- he’s wearing a turtleneck because he doesn’t want the marks I left to show, doesn’t want people to know that he - that we’re -_

“- he definitely didn’t pick up a sense of style, trust me. Beats me how he has all those followers calling him cute when he dresses like a tramp on the street.”

“Doesn’t he, though?! Asahi said I was being too mean, but - hey, Asahi, I was right! Tanaka agrees with me!”

“About what?”

Ryuunosuke slips away as they talk, heading away from the party, because if he stays for one second more he thinks he might yell, or break something, or both. Outside, in the sharp autumn air, he braces his hands on his knees and glares at the floor as he tries not to cry.

He’s such a fucking asshole, god. It’s Noya’s birthday, this is a party to celebrate him and everything he’s done, and he’s making it all about his stupid feelings. It’s not like he wants to stand up in the middle of the room and announce that he and Noya are sleeping together, of course not. They’re all people important to both him and Noya, but that doesn’t mean their instant reaction is going to be ‘Congratulations, that’s amazing, good for you!’ Keeping it to themselves - and Asahi and Chikara - is both the easiest and most sensible thing to do, especially since they’re not even dating, and if that’s what Noya wants, then that’s fine. Ryuunosuke would maybe like it if a couple more people knew, like Suga-san and Yachi, just to be able to talk openly about it in a smaller group of friends, you know? Just so they don’t have to make up different excuses every time about why Noya’s going to Ryuunosuke’s place instead of his own home after a night out. But if Noya would rather not tell people - it would have been nice to have talked about it at some point, but it’s really fine. Ryuunosuke can respect that.

It’s just that this party feels almost exactly like the one from April last year, the night Noya had kissed him for the first time. And Ryuunosuke doesn’t really know why he hates that fact so much, that seems like such a fucking stupid thing to get so worked up over, but the thing is - they’re not who they were, back then. Noya means so much more to him now, and he knows (he hopes) he means just as much to Noya -

_You - this - everything, **all** of this, means so much to me -_

\- and he just - just wants to know that that’s still true outside the four walls of his bedroom. But Noya’s inside, acting like they’ve never been anything else other than friends, and Ryuunosuke knows the smell of his skin, knows about the scar on his hip he got surfing, knows the way he stretches like a cat as soon as he wakes up, knows that 50% of his camera’s memory is not sunset views from mountaintops but candids of every single person he’s met, he knows so _much_ and has to act like he knows _nothing_ and it _hurts_ , fuck -

“Ryuu!” Noya’s voice floats through the window from inside. “Where’d he go?”

Ryuunosuke squares his shoulders, takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, and manages to smile as he heads back inside.

***

Yuu leaves two days after his birthday, back to New Zealand. He’s been offered a two month stint as an extreme sports instructor in Queenstown, and of course he jumps at it - he’s picked up a surprising amount of experience with that kind of stuff by now, and he’s always loved it. He’s not good enough to teach it, of course - the place is basically trying to use his online influence to pull in more people - but he doesn’t mind that. _They’re_ going to pay _him_ to use their extreme sports facilities, what more could he ask for?

So he goes. He doesn’t manage to make it to Ryuu’s house before he leaves, which really sucks, and Ryuu can’t make it to the airport to see him off this time either. It gives Yuu a squirmy kind of hole in his stomach to see his family waving him off without Ryuu there too, but hey, life gets in the way sometimes. He flies to Queenstown with a flurry of encouraging messages and muscle emojis from Ryuu sitting in his inbox, gets a couple of weeks of training in the sports they want him to assist with, and starts as an assistant instructor.

And it’s really fun at first! He helps with bungee jumping to start with, cheerful and confident and briskly encouraging as he talks to everyone who shows up until they half forget how nervous they were in the first place. The rush of actually jumping is great, and he loves it enough that they eventually shift him to skydiving. The first time was pretty damn terrifying, he can’t lie, but he takes to it like a fish to water within three days. If bungee jumping was great, skydiving is fucking _incredible_. He takes his camera with him a couple times, and gets a couple of shots of Queensland’s coastline that he knows are some of the best he’s ever taken.

As the weeks pass steadily, though, he finds that the luster of the whole thing is starting to fade. Of course the adrenaline is the fuckin’ awesome, and he meets a whole bunch of great people, but there’s also people who come just to see _him_ , and that’s . . . Yuu generally doesn’t travel where he’s known, he spends much more of his time in villages and forests than he does in cities, and he’s not used to being bugged for selfies and autographs or whatever. That’s just not how he works.

Too many people he has to work with seem to want nothing else, though. It’s flattering and everything, and of course he’s very grateful for their wholehearted support, but after the hundredth time he has to wait for some teenager to stop freaking out before he can even take their selfie and send them on their way, he finds himself wishing that he wasn’t half as famous as he is. He finds, too, that he’s itching to _move_. Spending so long tied by the heels, doing the same thing day in and day out, is startlingly frustrating after the way he’s lived for so long - even if what he’s doing day in and day out is jumping out of planes thousand feet above the ground. And with the way his days are filled, with the kind of energy they take up, he doesn’t really have time to call people at home.

The day he looks at his call history and realizes it’s been twenty seven days since he spoke to Ryuu is the day he goes to the office of the adventure park, bows, and says he’s sorry to break their trust but he would very much like to leave now, please.

They try to make him stay, of course, but he’s stubborn in refusing. They give in eventually on the condition that he stays till the end of the week, and the announcement that he’s leaving brings a fresh wave of visitors intent on meeting him before he does. He signs whatever they hand him and smiles for photo after photo until his cheeks hurt, counting the hours, and the second he can leave he’s out like a shot.

It’s late evening when he heads into Queenstown, the sky flooded wine-red that’s steadily fading to deep indigo. He grabs a bite to eat, looks up the biggest train station in the place, and heads there as quickly as he can. He has his flight back to Japan already booked for two weeks from now, and he figures he might as well kill time with the friends he made on his first trip. Heading back to Raglan to surf with friends who’ll only be too happy to host him definitely beats lounging around aimlessly in some hotel with nothing to do.

He has to take a train to Christchurch first, an eight hour journey, and the next one only arrives at 7:30 in the morning. Yuu looks at his watch - 9:18 PM - sighs to himself, and sits down to wait on the first empty bench he finds.

The station is fairly crowded, but it slowly empties out as the hours pass. Yuu gets up to get something from a vending machine at some point, a fizzy drink he doesn’t recognize and can’t remember the taste of when it's over, and ends up rolling the empty can under his foot aimlessly, hugging his rucksack to his chest as he waits.

He’s been alone on his travels plenty of times before, but this is the first time he’s felt this kind of loneliness crawling into the spaces between his ribs so steadily, hollowing out his chest like this.

 _It’s just everything that happened_ , he tells himself, resting his forehead on his rucksack and closing his eyes for a second. _I’m just low on energy right now, and I’m used to having people around to talk to. That’s why I’m feeling kinda shitty. I’ll be fine when I reach Raglan and meet everyone again._

In some vague hope of reassurance, he reaches for his phone and flicks open the group chat he’d joined nearly two years ago. It’s full of excited messages - everyone is so glad to hear that he’s coming back, they’ve been following him online and he’s been doing so many cool things, they missed him and can’t wait to see him and of course he can stay for as long as he wants -

Yuu switches the phone’s screen off and shoves it back into his pocket, fighting suddenly welling tears. He has no goddamn clue why he’s crying, he should be happy that he knows such great and kind people to help him out, what the fuck is wrong with him?

There’s the sound of a plane flying overhead, and he looks up to watch it go. It’s nothing more than a bright, blurry dot against the dark sky through the tears.

 _I want to go home_ , he thinks out of nowhere, aching with suddenly unbearable longing. _Fuck, I want to go home, I don’t want to be here -_

He’s crying harder now, face still turned to the sky, clutching his beat-up rucksack like it's a lifeline. He’s never been this down, this completely exhausted, not even when he had to trek twenty kilometres through the Canadian Rockies through the start of a snowstorm. All he wants to do is go back to Sendai, get picked up by Ryuu in his old car, and spend the night with him - not even doing anything, just lying with him and talking, turning this whole thing into a ridiculous story to make him laugh.

Ryuu wouldn’t fall for it, though. He’d smile at the jokes or whatever, but he’d ask - in that careful kind of way he gets sometimes - if Yuu’s really sure he’s okay. Hadn’t it kinda sucked to be hounded by people like that? he’d ask. Like, if it had been bad enough to make Yuu leave? And though he’d understand Yuu’s guilt about feeling like shit when people who love what he does tried to show him that they care, he’d also understand why he got overwhelmed. Ryuu’s always been steady like that, the more level-headed out of the two of them, and he always says he’s bad with words but Yuu knows in his bones that Ryuu would find the right words if they were for him. He’d tease the story out of Yuu carefully, he’d tell him everything was okay, he’d crack some dumb joke to cheer him up and settle him against his chest and card gently through his hair until Yuu fell asleep listening to his heartbeat.

Yuu is crying so badly he can’t see the stars at all now, each sob ripping through him like an earthquake, because he’s so far away from everything he’s grown up with, alone in an empty train station in the middle of the night, and he’s just realized that when he thinks of home -

\- he thinks of Ryuu.

Not his parents. Not his sisters. Not a single one of the friends he’s made in his twenty six years alive. He thought _I want to go home_ , and then he thought _I want to go to Ryuu_ , and he can’t fucking stop crying because Ryuu already has his own home, he never left like Yuu did, and that means _Yuu isn’t **his** home_.

It means that no matter how much they push the limits of what ‘best friends’ means, Yuu will never be his anchor, his compass, his harbour in a storm like he is for Yuu. Yuu will just be - just be stuck roaming the world, never satisfied, always restless, always searching, while Ryuu settles down and finds someone else to be his home - it’s a fucking miracle he hasn’t already found anyone else in all this time, god. The day he does is the day Yuu will lose that harbour that’s become so precious to him. He’ll lose him, he’ll have to watch him leave, and he won’t be able to do a damn thing except flee to a different continent so he doesn’t have to see Ryuu kissing someone else, falling asleep with someone else -

_\- finding happiness with someone else -_

\- because how could he ever tell him? How could he ever tell him that it would break his heart to watch that happen? They’re supposed to be friends, supposed to be keeping whatever they have casual. Noya already has a talent for being too blunt, saying too much, _being_ too much - he knows this all too well, and if he broke their friendship because he let himself become too greedy for Ryuu’s affection he would never fucking forgive himself. He never even told anyone other than Asahi about what they have because it felt that precious, that much of a thing to be cradled close and nurtured and guarded. If they were really dating he’d announce it to the whole goddamn world in a heartbeat, of course, but they’re not - they’re not, they’re not, they’re not - oh, Yuu wants to go home to Ryuu so _badly_ , he wants to see him, wants to hold him, wants to be held by him, wants -

“Hey, kid.”

Yuu scrubs furiously at his face before he looks around. There’s a middle-aged police officer standing nearby, frowning, but his expression goes soft and a little worried as Yuu meets his gaze. “Uh, you can’t stay here the whole night, this isn’t a hotel. Are you okay? You need some money to find a place to sleep or something?”

It takes a good five seconds before Yuu remembers how English works and manages to use his tongue. “No, I’m fine, money is fine. Sorry, I’ll -” He makes an aborted gesture at the station doors, getting to his feet and shouldering his rucksack.

The police officer doesn’t look very reassured. "You sure? You’re not running away from home or something?”

Yuu can’t help a weak laugh. “I’m twenty six,” he says. “Not as young as I look. I’m okay, really.”

The police officer still looks vaguely uneasy, but he directs Yuu to a place a couple of streets down that’ll let him crash until the morning. “And, uh -” He scratches his chin, a little embarrassed. “I’m sure it’ll sort itself out, whatever’s got you so upset. Don’t worry, kid.”

“Thanks,” Yuu says, giving him a wan smile. “I’ll try.”

“Have a good night, then.”

“Yeah, you too.”

He won’t call Ryuu till he’s reached Raglan, Yuu decides as he heads in the direction of the exit. Not until he’s back to normal. If he called while he was still this mess, Ryuu would pick up on it in a minute and ask about it and he’d probably break down right then.

And Ryuu doesn’t deserve to have to deal with that.

***

_ November  
  
_

“I ordered for you,” Chikara says as Ryuu sits down across from him. “I think I got it right, but if it’s wrong you can swap with me.”

“I’m sure you didn’t,” Ryuu grins. “We’ve been coming to this place for dinner for what, five years?”

“Mm, yeah.” Chikara props his chin in his hand, taking in Ryuu’s appearance. He seems pretty normal at first glance, but there are faint shadows under his eyes that weren’t there before, and he’s more . . . subdued. He moves with less energy, speaks a little quieter than he used to, even his smile is a little smaller than before.

 _Noya_ , Chikara decides with an unusual flash of hot bitterness, _has a lot to answer for._

Conversation is desultory until their food arrives, and Chikara waits for Ryuunosuke to take a couple of bites before he says, “So. How long did you spend on Noya’s Insta last night?”

Ryuu chokes on a piece of lettuce, coughing for half a minute before he can answer. “What the fuck, Chikara?”

“Answer the question.”

“What is this, an interrogation?”

“Just a conversation with a concerned friend. C’mon, spill.”

“Concerned? Concerned about what?”

“How long, Ryuu?”

Ryuu opens his mouth to keep protesting, catches the look in Chikara’s eye, and huffs. “A couple hours, I guess,” he says reluctantly. “What’s the big deal?”

“When was the last time you spoke to him?”

“Like . . . a week? One week ago.”

“When was the last time you texted him?”

“Day before yesterday, what -”

“So you talk to him fairly often, then.”

“I do, yeah! What’s the big deal -”

“Then why do you look like he’s broken your heart?”

Ryuu goes startle-still, an animal caught in headlights seen far, far too late.

“ . . . The fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“You speak to him pretty often,” Chikara says, more gently. “You probably know more about where he is and what he’s doing than any of us. He’s your best friend. So why are you spending hours on his social media? Why do you look like he’s left you behind?”

“I look like _what_?”

“You’re not as happy as you used to be, Ryuu, and it shows. Asahi-san’s noticed it too, and we both figured the problem is - well -”

“The problem is what?” Ryuu’s eyes are narrowed dangerously, his mouth a thin line.

“Noya,” Chikara says, simple and point-blank. “Noya is the problem. What neither of us know is why. You wanna tell me what he did?”

“He didn’t do anything, for fuck’s sake, Chikara -” A couple of other customers look around, and Ryuu winces and lowers his voice. “He didn’t do anything, okay? I’m just - I’m being stupid. You don’t have to worry about -”

“Being stupid how?” Chikara twirls his fork in his spaghetti, watching Ryuu’s jaw clench. “You don’t have to tell me if you really don’t want to. But I think it’d help to tell someone, after so long keeping it to yourself. Wouldn't it?”

Ryuu looks away from him, crossing his arms over his chest. Chikara eats a bite of spaghetti, stabs a piece of broccoli, takes a sip of water, and waits.

“I miss him,” Ryuu says abruptly. “That’s all.”

“You missed him before,” Chikara points out. “What’s different this time?”

“I miss him more.”

“That’s not -”

“And I don’t think he misses me.”

That makes Chikara pause. “Why?”

Ryuu rubs a hand over his face with a tired sigh, leaning back in his chair. “I don’t know how to say it.”

“Try.”

“Why are you making me -”

“Because I want to help, Ryuu.”

There’s silence for a full minute before Ryuu sighs again. “I’m probably not gonna make a lot of sense, so. Sorry about that.”

“It’s fine. Take your time.”

“We, um . . . we never really drew the line between friends and - whatever. Something more than friends. We were kinda chilling in the grey space in between, and that was fine for a while, it was fun and it was great, but the more we did it, the more I learned about him, it just - I don’t know. It wasn’t - it wasn’t enough. When he was gone, the texts and calls weren’t enough anymore. I know he’s busy, and I know he has his own life to live, and I’d never, ever wanna stand in the way of that, but sometimes I just - I just fucking want him, you know?” Ryuu picks at a tomato slice on his plate, staring down at the table. His voice is steadily getting quieter. “I want him here, in Japan. I want him in my house. I want him to make dumb jokes while he helps me make the bed. I want him to park his ass on my kitchen counter and drink my coffee with a mountain of sugar. I want him to leave new bottles of shampoo in my bathroom as a surprise present because he accidentally used up mine. I think about all these tiny things he does all the time, when I’m taking a shower or serving drinks or on the train home or whatever, all the goddamn time, and it drives me out of my mind.”

“Oh,” Chikara says, just as quietly. He doesn’t know what the fuck else to say.

“Yeah. But it’s like . . . I have nothing when he’s gone, but I have too much when he’s here. Everything is suddenly so intense, because he’s actually _here_ , doing all of that, everything I wanted from him like it’s effortless for him, and all I can think about is how I need to, like - save it. remember it, because I never get long enough. And at the same time I need to make sure he’s happy, that he’s having a good time with me, because if he isn’t it’ll just stop. I’ll lose it all, and I’ll never get it back. And then I feel like shit for being so selfish when it was just supposed to be a fun thing for both of us. It’s like our whole relationship’s been reduced to what we do when he comes back, because he can never stay on the phone for very long. I mean, he always makes sure to call as often as he can, but we can’t have conversations the way we used to, you know? So I end up stuck in my head missing him, knowing he’s doing awesome things with awesome people, while I’m here in the same damn town, doing the same damn thing I’ve done since he left the first time, and feeling like - like I’m a pit stop for him, I guess. Climb this mountain, visit this landmark, meet these people, come home, have sex with Ryuu, go off again. Like I’m just this extra excitement in his life, something to make good old boring Japan a little more interesting, and the second I stop being exciting -” Ryuu’s voice is more than a little unsteady, now, and he turns to stare outside the window with a cough. “Sorry.”

“No, no, it’s fine. Thanks for - for trusting me with all that.”

Ryuu gives him a brief, faint smile. “Of course, Chikara.”

Chikara hesitates, not knowing how to say this, deciding to fumble through it anyway. “Ryuu, you know that he - you know he really cares, right? I mean -”

“I know he cares, of course I know. Just -” Ryuu shrugs, a little helplessly. “You care too, that’s why you dragged me here and made me spill my guts. My sister cares, that’s why she’s been showing up randomly at my place and leaving, like, huge pots of stew and shit in my fridge. There’s a difference between just caring and - whatever the fuck it is I’m doing.”

“And that’s what you want from him.”

“ . . . Yeah. And it sucks, because honestly it’s hard enough to remember he cares even as a friend with, you know, the whole not being able to talk properly. The feeling’s gone the second he leaves for the airport. I know he cares, he told me himself, but I know it here -” He taps his temple, then his chest. “Not here.”

He says it with such - such resignation, like there’s nothing he can do to change what he’s going through, and hearing this from Tanaka Ryuunosuke, the one person who never broke down, never gave up, who always, always pushed them all forward - fuck, it makes Chikara feel like his ribs are suddenly squeezing just a little too tight around his heart.

“I’m really sorry, Ryuu.”

“Ain’t your fault, Chikara,” Ryuu says, with a shadow of his normal grin. “You don’t gotta apologize. It ain’t Noya’s fault either.”

“I guess not, but - shit, Ryuu, why don’t you talk to him about this? It can’t be just you who’s feeling like this, he -”

“It is. I know it is. You know Noya, he just does things on instinct. That’s how this whole thing started. It’s just casual fun for him, you know? And I’d never wanna pile all this on him, it wouldn’t be fair, and it wouldn’t just ruin what we have now, it’d probably fuck up our friendship. I’m shit scared of that happening.”

“So you’re going to just, what, stay in love with him and never fucking tell him about it?”

It’s his voice that’s too loud, this time, and Ryuu flinches like he’s punched him.

“Sorry, sorry, fuck - I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to -” Chikara huffs a frustrated breath, guilt twisting in his stomach. “I just - I really hate that you’re hurting like this.”

“Yeah.” Ryuu shoves his hands in the pockets of his hoodie, looking back outside the window. “Me too, Chikara.”

They both finish eating fairly quickly after that, neither knowing quite what to say or how to say it. They leave together, still quiet as they walk side by side through the half-empty streets. When they reach the crossroads where they have to part ways, though, Chikara turns and gives him the tightest hug he can manage.

“It’s probably shitty comfort,” he says into his shoulder, “but even if Noya breaks your heart, you still have me, and Suga-san, and Yachi, and everyone. You matter to all of us, okay?”

Ryuu squeezes his waist gently, tucking his face into his neck for a second. “Thanks, Chikara,” he murmurs.

“And talk to us anytime you need to, okay? Don’t keep to yourself the way you’ve been doing.”

“Yeah,” Ryuu laughs, stepping back. “Yeah, I won’t.”

“Night, Ryuu.”

“Night.”

Chikara returns his nod and heads down the road he has to take, holding his hands to his mouth to warm them with his breath. He pauses about halfway down the road to turn around, though, not entirely sure why, and sees -

\- Ryuu still standing at the deserted crossroads, flooded in too-bright streetlight. He has one hand in his pocket, but he’s pressed the back of his other hand to his mouth, and his face is tilted to the purple-indigo sky.

Even from here, Chikara can see the sparkle of tears coursing steadily down his cheeks. His shoulders are drawn tight but they aren’t shaking, and he’s standing almost perfectly still - simply looking up at the handful of stars scattered across the sky, a hand to his mouth to keep his voice silent as he cries. Chikara turns on his heel and strides away, tears starting in the corners of his own eyes, his ribs no longer just squeezing his heart but crushing it.

Noya really has a lot to answer for.

***

Noya comes home from New Zealand on a Saturday in the middle of December, when there are already Christmas lights in every storefront and Christmas sales being advertised in half the subway stations. Ryuunosuke goes to pick him up at 1:00 AM, too jittery with both anticipation and apprehension to be tired even though he had a long work night. Noya is waiting for him where he always is, his familiar rucksack slung over one shoulder in a way that's definitely bad for his back as he waves.

“Hey, Ryuu!” he says, grinning wide and reaching up on tiptoe to pull Ryuunosuke into a hug. “God, it’s so good to see you. The flight was awful this time, there was this kid who wouldn’t stop yelling right behind me and his parents basically did nothing to stop him.”

“It’s good to see you too,” Ryuunosuke says warmly, returning the hug before helping him heft his luggage into the trunk of the car. “So you didn’t get any sleep on the flight?”

“Not a wink,” Noya says cheerfully, opening the door to the passenger seat. “Even noise-cancelling headphones wouldn’t have helped against this kid.”

Ryuunosuke smiles as he gets back inside and starts the car. “Damn, that sucks. I don’t have work tomorrow morning, so you can sleep in as long as you like.”

“Fuck yes!” Noya punches his shoulder energetically, still grinning. “You’re the best. How’ve you been, dude?”

“The usual, you know how it is. Nothing new. Tell me about you, how did the sports stuff go? I mean, you told me why you left, but was it fun apart from that?”

“It was! You would’ve loved it, it was so damn fun. Like, not to betray volleyball, but it’s a whole different kind of rush than you get on the court, you know? Way more intense and scary and _so_ fun. There was this one time -”

Ryuunosuke drives steadily, listening to Noya with half an ear but mostly just drinking in the cadence of his voice, the way he uses his hands to illustrate a point, the way his eyes sparkle every time they pass a street lamp. He should probably be responding to the story more, it’s just . . . he can’t quite forget how temporary this time that they’re sharing is, can’t forget that Noya is going to leave again in just a few days, and the memory of how Ryuunosuke always feels when he does is like an iron band constricting his throat from the inside.

Noya picks up on it, he thinks - he catches a couple of curious glances from the corner of his eye - but he doesn’t say anything about it, seemingly happy to fill the silence on his own. He’s more talkative than normal, actually, he seems to be overflowing with things to share. They reach Ryuunosuke’s place in what seems like mere minutes, Noya still talking as he hauls his luggage out and helps Ryuunosuke take it to the lift. It’s only when they reach Ryuunosuke’s floor that he finally falls silent.  
  
“Something up?” Ryuunosuke says, wondering what that arrested look on his face is for.

“Nothing, I just - sorry, have I been talking too much?”

“Nah, dude, it’s fine. You know I love hearing your stories.”

Noya laughs a little sheepishly, following Ryuunosuke inside and setting his stuff down before closing the door behind him. “Still, you can tell me if it’s too much. I just thought, just now, that -”

“That?”

Noya huffs a breath, looking vaguely embarrassed, but when he looks up to meet Ryuunosuke’s eyes, his gaze is as clear and open as always. “I just thought that skydiving was the most terrifyingly awesome thing I’ve ever done, but it still doesn’t beat the rush I get when I’m with you.”

Ryuunosuke’s jaw damn near drops. He stares at Noya for a single, timeless moment, his heart suddenly feeling like it’s trying to simultaneously explode out of his chest and drop through the pit of his stomach.

_It doesn’t beat the rush I get when I’m with you._

Noya looks back, head slightly tilted in inquiry, like he hasn’t said anything particularly remarkable, and he’s - he’s somehow both deeply familiar and impossibly unworldly, standing there under Ryuunosuke’s gently flickering genkan light like an ephemeral, travel-worn forest sprite.

“Ryuu, what -”

Ryuunosuke picks Noya up in one swift motion, an arm tight around his waist and his free hand in his hair as he slams him against the door. He’s never felt desire like this before, burning bright and bittersweet in every muscle of his body, and he can no more resist it than the tide can resist the moon. He kisses Noya _hard_ , not giving an inch, and Noya meets him just as fiercely, a low half-moan caught in his throat that makes Ryuunosuke want him so goddamn much that it steals all the breath from his lungs. It’s the first time Ryuunosuke’s initiated this thing that they do, the first time he hasn’t waited for Noya’s lead, and he finds that he doesn’t give a single damn about that fact with Noya’s legs wrapped around his waist and his fingers digging into his shoulders the way they are.

“Ryuu,” Noya gasps as he shifts to slide a hand under his shirt. “ _Ah_ \- Ryuu, bed, let’s -”

“Yeah,” Ryuunosuke pants against his skin, hefting his weight more securely, and carries him to his bedroom.

***

Ryuunosuke wakes up late the next morning, past 10:00 AM, to a cold, empty bed. A message from Noya says -

_Family called, sorry, had to go. Catch up before I leave on Tuesday?_

\- and Ryuunosuke crushes the bedsheets in both his hands, staring blankly at the space next to him. He doesn’t cry, not at first - not until he remembers that Noya is going to India this time, and he’ll be gone for four months.

 _Four fucking months,_ he thinks, with quietly dawning anguish, and buries his face in his pillow so he can’t hear his own sobs.

***

_ January  
  
_

“ _Pon-_ gal.” The kid - Yuu doesn’t quite remember his name, he met so many new people today, but he can’t be older than nine - crosses his arms, giving Yuu a stare that can only be compared to Daichi-san’s.

“ _Pon_ -gal,” he repeats dutifully.

“Still you’re saying it wrong!”

“I said it just like you did!”

“No, you’re saying like pon- _gar_. ‘L’ sound is wrong!”

“Pongal.”

“Pon- _gal_.”

“Pon- _gal_.”

The boy sighs, shaking his head, and Yuu almost laughs at what a teacher-like gesture it is. “Still wrong.”

There’s a knock on Yuu’s half-open door, and seventeen year old Deepa sticks her head inside, her bell-shaped earrings tinkling gently. She scowls when she sees the boy sitting on Yuu’s bed.

“Scram,” she says, dark-rimmed eyes narrowing dangerously behind her glasses. “Stop bothering our guest.”

“ _Scram_ ,” he mimics, sticking his tongue out at her. “I’m just trying to teach anna to say Pongal properly.”

“He’s not bothering me,” Yuu tries to say, but she ignores him.

“You don't need to teach him anything, Keshav. Get out, or nicely you’ll get from me.”

The only response she gets is a defiant glare, so she cups her hands around her mouth, leaning into the hallway outside the room. “Chitthi! Keshav’s annoying Noya anna! Tell him to go!”

Keshav hops off the bed instantly, scowling at the swift torrent of scolding Tamil that echoes through to Yuu’s room. “You’re so _mean_ ,” he snaps at Deepa, aiming a kick at her legs before darting outside.

“You didn't have to do that,” Yuu says, laughing despite himself. The tone of Keshav’s mother’s voice had been eerily similar to his own mother’s. “Poor kid, he was just trying to improve my pronunciation.”

Deepa snorts, but she’s smiling slightly. “He’s a brat. My mom sent me to tell you that we’ll leave for the station at seven, so dinner will be a little early. Also she said to let her know if there’s anything you need to buy or anything before you go.”

“No, I have everything. Tell her thanks, though!”

She nods, then gives him a considering look. “What’re you going to do till then? You have some work to do?”

“Not really. I was thinking I’d maybe take a walk around the neighbourhood with my camera, see if I find anything interesting.”

“Oh, okay. I can come with you and show you around, if you want - most of my family are going to sleep for a couple hours now, and the rest are just gonna sit and gossip until evening.” She grins, sudden and a little impish. “Also I don’t think you should go on your own. Seeing a Japanese guy wandering around in a kurta and veshti will probably give some poor paati a shock-induced heart attack.”

“I guess you should come with me, then,” Yuu grins back. “What’s a paati?”

“It means obaasan,” she says, and laughs at his startled look.“My best friend is an anime nut, and she gets weirdly excited about, like, all things Japanese, so I picked up a lot of random words from her. She almost lost it when she heard you’d be staying with us.”

“Aww, cute,” Yuu grins, slinging his camera around his neck. “I’d be glad to meet her, if she wants.”

Deepa steps aside with a roll of her eyes, letting him leave the room before her. “If she actually met you, she would definitely die of a heart attack. Or not even a heart attack, she’d just die from not breathing anymore. Do you really want to go walking in the veshti? Not worried it’s gonna fall off?”

“Nah, your dad’s belt really helps, I think it’s fine. I really like it, actually.”

“Cool, then. Hold on for a second -” Deepa vanishes into the kitchen, reappearing a second later with a couple of yellow biscuit packets in one hand. “For stray dogs,” she explains. “Let’s go.”

Deepa and her family live in a fairly quiet neighbourhood, and all the houses have colourful kolam out front, flowers and sugarcane and overflowing clay pots drawn in vibrant colours. The road is shadowed by generously leafy branches, casting prettily shifting patterns when the wind rises, and Yuu can’t resist lagging behind Deepa a bit to snap a couple of pictures.

“I better not be in those,” she calls, looking over her shoulder to give him the same narrow-eyed look she’d given her young cousin.

“You’re not, don’t worry,” Yuu says, jogging a little to catch up. “Sure you don’t want to be, though? You would look very pretty!”

“Ugh, no,” she says, but she sounds kind of pleased all the same. “My mom took ten million pictures of me in this traditional getup, I don’t need more.”

“If you’re really turning down getting photographed by a world famous photographer, fine,” he says, mock-affronted, and she wrinkles her nose at him in amusement.

“My friend would actually stab me to death, so. There’s a park down this road, do you wanna sit there for a while? We can walk around more when it’s cooler.”

It _is_ kind of hot, so they go to the park and sit on the empty swings. A couple of dogs come trotting up to them when Deepa opens one of the biscuit packets, ears alert and tails waving, and they feed them in comfortable silence for a little while.

“Did you enjoy it?” Deepa asks eventually, dangling a biscuit right above one dog’s nose until he jumps to reach it. “The morning puja and everything?”

“I did! Pongal is a spring festival, right?”

“A harvest festival, yep.”

“Yeah. It was really nice, all the lamps and the prayer and food and everything.” Yuu kicks off the ground gently, setting himself swinging. “It’s always really cool to see how different people celebrate in different countries.”

“You were in Kerala for Christmas, right?”

“Yeah! Man, I got stuffed with so much cake. And also really great fish curry, once they found out how much I liked it.”

Deepa smiles as she reaches down to pet the dog she was feeding, who’s now nosing hopefully at the empty packet in her lap. “That sounds nice. So where are you going next? After Mumbai?”

Yuu basically tells her his entire travel itinerary - Mumbai, Goa, Rajasthan, Sikkim, Bengal - as the sun sinks gently in the west and their shadows grow longer. She’s a good listener, genuinely curious to hear about all the things he’s done and all the things he’s planning to do, offering advice where she thinks it could help.

Yuu eventually catches her giving him somewhat speculative looks from the corner of her eye, though, and the third time he turns to look at her, both eyebrows raised.

She looks slightly embarrassed. “Sorry. I just, um . . .”

“Just?”

“ . . . I probably shouldn’t say it.”

“It’s fine.” He tilts his head, curious. “What is it?”

“Just - it kind of sounds like a really awesome life, you know? Like, a job with so much freedom, seeing so many cool things and travelling all over the world. But I don’t know, you sounded little bit - tired? Or something? I don’t know. Sorry.”

“Shit, really?” Yuu scuffs a foot against the ground to push the swing, not sure how to feel about the fact that she’s picked up on the discontent he’s tried to keep tucked away in the back of his mind. “I didn’t mean to. It honestly does get kinda tiring after a while, but I usually don’t mind that. Everything is always so new and interesting, I don’t even have time to be tired.”

“So what’s the problem this time?”

Yuu opens his mouth, closes it, looks at her - young and round faced and softly radiant in her peacock-blue half sari, yet looking at him as steadily as Chikara does when he knows something is up and he’s determined to find out what - and thinks, _What the hell._

“I, uh . . . I have this friend,” he says, curling his hands tighter around the warm chains of the swing. “We’ve known each other a long time. We have pretty similar personalities, we’ve always gotten along really well, and I’d trust him with my life. He’s got this strong sense of responsibility, and he’s really kind, he’ll always do anything to help a friend out or protect them. And yeah, we’ve been best friends for ages, and I actually thought we were getting even closer for a bit, but lately it’s been - I don’t know what’s going on with him. He was weirdly quiet the last time I was home, and I tried to act like everything was normal ‘cuz I figured his mood was just weird that day, but he was like that all the time I was there. Like, trying to act fine when he thought I was looking, and getting all quiet when I wasn’t. And that’s really not normal for him, no one would ever describe him as a quiet person. I just - I’m not sure what to do. So. Yeah.”

Deepa hums, kicking off the ground so they’re slowly swinging in sync. “Maybe he has something else going on with him you might not know about? A sick family member or something like that?”

“Nah, he wouldn’t keep something like that from me.”

“Okay . . . then is he quiet like that with your other friends too, or only when you’re there?”

Yuu blinks at her. “I - don’t know. I never thought about asking them.”

“Maybe you should, then. If it’s everyone, then something’s worrying him that you don’t know about. If it’s just you, then maybe - did you guys have a fight or something?”

“No! I mean -” It had certainly been something bordering on a fight, the night Ryuu had picked him up when he got back from New Zealand, but that couldn't count. No way that could count. That had been fun, that had been fucking sexy, Ryuu couldn’t have been upset with him and still been like that. “No, we didn’t fight.”

Deepa shrugs, early evening light gleaming on her earrings and on her long, gently swaying plait. “I had a friend who did the same thing when she was mad at me. She just kinda backed off and stopped talking to me because she didn’t want to hurt my feelings by telling me why she was upset. I felt like such crap for like two weeks until I got her to tell me what the problem was.”

“Ryuu wouldn’t do that,” Yuu says instantly. “If he had a problem with me he’d definitely say it straight.”

“Yeah?” She looks at him for a second, her expression carefully neutral. “You know him best, obviously, but seems like a natural thing to do. Like, if he’s feeling really bad and you don’t even know if it has anything to do with you, if it’s maybe something you did by accident or just something he knows you wouldn’t want to hear, he might not want to hurt you by bringing it up.”

 _What could Ryuu possibly say that would hurt me so much that he’d -_ Sudden cold ripples across Yuu’s skin. _He wants us to stop what we’re doing? Go back to just friends? He’s tired of it, or he found someone else, or -_

“Or maybe he’s fighting with a mutual friend you have and doesn’t want to drag you into it,” Deepa continues. “Best thing would be to just ask him, I think. Or ask your other friends if they know what’s up. Only after finding out what’s wrong you can do something about it, no?”

“Yeah,” Yuu half sighs, managing to smile at her. “Y’know, that’s pretty good advice coming from a high schooler.”

“Rude,” she laughs. “Then say thank you!”

“Thank you very much, clever Deepa-san,” he grins, and has to dodge the small shower of sand she kicks at him.

“You’re terrible,” she says, getting off the swing, but she’s grinning back. “You wanted to walk around, right? We should go soon if you want to get home in time for your train.”

“Oh, right.” He kicks himself higher and hops off the swing at its highest point, landing neatly next to her. “Let’s go!”

Deepa pats his shoulder lightly as they head to the park gates. “You’ll figure out what to do with your friend, anna, don’t worry about it. Things’ll work out. Old friends aren’t that easy to get rid of.”

“Thanks,” he tells her, with real warmth. “I’ll remember that.”

The cold is still there when he’s on the train to Mumbai that night, though. Sitting on the top step of the open train door and leaning into the rushing wind, it seems to sink into his spine and curl gently around his lungs, making it just a little harder to breathe than usual.

This is not a fear he knows - and it might just be the worst one he's ever faced.

***

_ February  
  
_

**Me** (5:14 PM)

Ennoshita, hey  
  


 **Ennoshita** (6:31 PM)

Hey Asahi-san

What’s up?  
  


 **Me** (6:53)

I thought you should know

Yamaguchi and Yachi both asked me if Tanaka is doing okay

If he’s sick or something

Um  
  


 **Ennoshita** (7:05)

god fucking dammit  
  


 **Me** (7:06)

Yeah . . . .  
  


 **Ennoshita** (7:06)

He won’t pick up half my calls

And he’s taken on extra shifts at the gym  
  


 **Me** (7:07)

I tried calling him too

He picked up once, seemed pretty okay

But I saw him shopping with his sister a couple days ago

He looked so different  
  


 **Ennoshita** (7:08)

I know

Fuck, I know

Saeko-san doesn’t know what to do either

When was the last time Noya spoke to you?  
  


 **Me** (7:09)

Sunday  
  


 **Ennoshita** (7:09)

He hasn’t called Ryuu in three weeks

Which Ryuu is used to

But he’s barely even texting now

When it was like all the communication they had  
  


 **Me** (7:09)

What the hell is going on with them??  
  


 **Ennoshita** (7:10)

Fuck if I know but it needs to stop  
  


 **Me** (7:10)

Noya asked me if Tanaka was doing okay

When he called

He seemed kind of worried  
  


 **Ennoshita** (7:11)

Why the hell can’t he call Ryuu himself

What did you say  
  


 **Me** (7:11)

Uh I said he seems kind of down lately but I don’t know why  
  


 **Ennoshita** (7:12)

He asked me too

I didn’t know what to say

I mean I know what it is but I can’t tell him

Ryuu would never forgive me

They have to sort this out themselves

Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  
  


 **Ennoshita** (7:13)

Sorry  
  


 **Me** (7:13)

No, I know. It’s frustrating to watch them hurt themselves like this.  
  


 **Ennoshita** (7:13)

Yeah

God

You wanna meet up this weekend?

I really need to vent  
  


 **Me** (7:14)

You got it :)

***

_March_  
  


Ryuunosuke rinses his mouth out, puts his toothbrush back into its holder, looks in the mirror, and sighs quietly. He can see it, now, what everyone’s been telling him - his cheeks really have hollowed out a bit, his collarbones a little too prominent. He keeps forgetting to shave, too, so he looks annoyingly scruffy.

“Okay,” he murmurs, watching himself tilt his head so the bathroom light slants oddly across his cheekbones. “Okay. You gotta get it together. You’re worrying the people around you, and you can’t keep moping like this.”

 _Think it through step by step_ , says a voice in the back of his head that’s very similar to Chikara’s.

 _Poor Chikara, putting up with all of my bullshit for so long._ Ryuunosuke smiles ruefully at his reflection. _Okay, then._

“One, I was kinda weird with Noya the last time he was here, and he probably picked up on it. I mean, he didn’t stay in the morning, and he didn’t come over to stay the night before he left again, so. He definitely picked up on it. Two, I tried to keep up texting him like normal, but he’s responding much less and calling me much less, which - this is the first time he’s doing that in two years, so something’s definitely off. Three . . .”

A truck rumbles by on the street outside, a crow caws harshly on the next building over, the light trill of a bicycle bell sounds at the intersection. Ryuunosuke takes a slow breath and lets it out, his grip tightening on the edges of the sink.

“Three . . . Noya and I never said we were exclusive. We never set any rules for this - whatever we do. And he meets so many cool new people wherever he goes. So it’s - totally possible that he slept with other people when he was travelling, before. It’s totally possible that he’s doing that now, too. So taking everything together . . . he probably found someone else, someone he actually cares about properly, and he doesn’t know how to tell me. Even if he didn’t find someone else, he probably - probably wants to stop what we’re doing.”

It feels like there should be something else to mark this, this moment that he finally says it out loud, instead of his words simply dying like mayflies in the confines of his small bathroom. Maybe a sorrowfully haunting background score, with violins or something. But there’s nothing, of course - nothing but the sound of traffic on the road, of people starting to open their shops for the day.

He finally said it.

“So,” he says softly, looking himself in the eye. “That’s how it is. You probably broke what you had with him. You gonna keep moping? If it’s over, it’s over, and Noya chose a fucking shitty way to end it, but he does have the right to end it when he wants. It ain’t the end of the world. You gonna move forward and be happy for him, or you gonna keep pining after your best friend who doesn’t even know you’re in love with him?”

One option is pathetic, one option is not, and Noya’s always said Ryuunosuke is the bravest person he knows. There’s really only one answer to the question.

“Chin up, Ryuu.” He grins at his reflection, sharp and wide, and it looks strained even to him - but there’s some relief there as well, now that he’s finally faced the pain that’s been dogging his steps for so long. “You’ll be fine.”

He can almost bring himself to believe it, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edit: tono has posted her art for Ryuu looking up at the stars and crying!!! It is [here](https://twitter.com/mainbird_art/status/1347268932168777735) on Twitter and [here](https://main-bird.tumblr.com/post/639683563467505664/so-youre-going-to-just-what-stay-in-love-with) on Tumblr, please do check it out!


	3. love will guide you till the morning, bring you safely home to me

_ April  
  
_

“Before we take off, please direct your attention to the flight attendant at the front of the aircraft. To fasten your seatbelt, insert the metal tip into the buckle and tighten by pulling on the loose end of the strap -”

Yuu pinches the bridge of his nose, tapping his phone restlessly on his thigh. So he’d never texted Ryuu to ask what was wrong -

_Too scared of hearing the answer -_

\- and he’d ended up talking to him way less in general because god, it hurt like hell to hear him and try to pretend everything was fine while he was so worried about -

_Do you not want me anymore, was I too much -_

\- about what had _Ryuu_ worried, and whatever conversations they’d had had been weird and stilted and not enough, and it had eventually just become easier to just - just not call, because he’d started to get this horrible squirmy feeling in his stomach every time he even thought about talking to Ryuu, so he just hadn’t. And he shouldn’t have done that, he knows that all too well. He should have asked Ryuu straight out, should have just gotten it over with instead of worrying over what to say for hours, but he’d been too fucking scared -

_Of losing Ryuu’s laugh, his grin, his hands on my skin, his hugs when I’m scared, his voice next to me in bed -_

\- and he’d told himself Ryuu would understand, he really was busy, he really had a lot on his plate, and he’d delayed calling him for weeks and weeks and -

_Such a shitty thing to do to him when nothing was even his fault, when I knew he wasn’t really doing okay, what’s wrong with me, I should have just -_

\- and he’d ignored Deepa’s commonsense advice and Asahi-san’s urging and even Ennoshita telling him to just talk to Ryuu properly because he was too damn scared. He’s been selfish, and he’s been a fuckng coward, and he knows it and hates himself for it so, so much.

“ . . . your lifejacket has an oral tube for further inflation. The light comes on when in contact with water and you can use the whistle to attract attention. There are eight emergency exits on this aircraft. Two main doors at the rear of the aircraft, four over the wings . . .”

Well, he can change that right now.  
  


 **Me** (4:58 AM)

hey i’ll be flying in at 11:00 tonight

pick me up?  
  


Yuu puts his phone on airplane mode once it’s sent and slips it into his pocket. If Ryuu says yes, he’s gonna go to Ryuu’s the second he lands and they’re going to sort this shit out. If he says no -

“ . . . passengers seated next to an emergency exit are requested to follow procedure as laid down in the safety instruction card. Thank you.”

If Ryuu says no, he’ll go around to his house as soon as he can the next day, and they’ll still sort this shit out. Yuu rests his chin in one hand as the safety instructions begin to be repeated in Hindi, looking out of the window at the twinkling runway, and nods decisively.

He’ll fix this.

***

“Oh, _fuck_ you, are you kidding me?”

Kamasaki-san pauses in the middle of pulling his shirt on, giving Ryuunosuke a look. “Something up, Tanaka?”

“Sorry, uh - nothing. I’ll be out in like a minute, Kamasaki-san.”

Kamasaki-san is still looking at him a little weirdly, but he claps Ryuunosuke on the shoulder and heads out of the changing room. Ryuunosuke sits down on one of the benches heavily, still staring at his phone.

He’d been making his peace with it. He’d been trying, he’d really been trying, it had been slow going but he’d been _trying_ , and now Noya just pops up out of nowhere with ‘Pick me up’? What the actual fuck? Who gave him the fucking _right_?

This isn’t good for him. He knows this isn’t good for him. This honestly isn’t healthy for _either_ of them, and Ryuunosuke knows he should say no outright and meet him in some cafe or something in the daytime where they can confirm that things are over without any beating around the bush, without any other temptation getting in the way, without making it messy. That's what they should do. They should cut this whole thing off cleanly without anymore of this bullshit so that can both fucking move on - if Noya hasn’t already moved on. Ryuunosuke was so sure he _had_ moved on, so why the hell is he texting him like nothing’s wrong? It’s really a dick move on Noya’s part to keep doing this, hitting him up whenever it’s convenient for him, stringing him along like this.

But.

But. He misses Noya _so fucking_ _much_.

It’s felt like his heart has been crumbling so excruciatingly slowly for so goddamn long now, and not just because he - he loves him, but Noya was his best friend before anything else and he hates that he doesn’t seem to be that anymore, he hates it so much he wouldn't be able to put it into words in a thousand years. Noya was ease and comfort and someone who understood him without even having to try, and if Ryuunosuke says yes, then - things will be easy, just for tonight. Noya will touch him, Noya will kiss him, Noya will make him feel alive and wanted and sexy and like he can’t do anything wrong when they’re tangled together, breathing the same air. And when they’re done Noya will let him curl into his shoulder, and he’ll tell him about all the things he did in India, murmuring ridiculous stories to him with that irrepressible grin in his voice until Ryuunosuke falls asleep listening to his heartbeat.

Unless - unless they don’t have that. Unless things are too far gone, too badly broken for that. Unless they just have sex and go to bed and Noya once again leaves in the morning before Ryuunosuke even opens his eyes.

_Fuck._

Ryuunosuke stares down at his phone, thumb hovering over the keyboard as his throat goes tight in the worst of ways. He’s never wanted to punch something so badly in his life.

Is it worth it? Is it really worth it? He knows the burning, bitter taste of being left behind, left alone, far too well to say yes. He really, really shouldn’t do this, he shouldn’t even be _considering_ this, this shouldn’t even be a question! He should have said no five fucking minutes ago!

“Tanaka, hey -” Kamasaki-san pokes his head back inside the changing room as he types out his answer deliberately, letter by letter. “We got clients coming in, dude. Let’s get going.”

“Yeah, yeah, sorry.” Ryuunosuke stands up, reaching for his locker to put his phone inside, fingernails digging into his palm so hard he thinks they might draw blood. “I’m coming.”

*

 **Ryuu** (8:37 AM)

sure. see you then

*

Yuu can’t stop bouncing anxiously on the balls of his feet, looking down the road for Ryuu’s car. Shit, he can’t remember the last time he was this nervous.

_It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine. This is Ryuu, come on, it’ll work out. He’s picking you up, so at least it means that he doesn’t want to break things off like you thought. You just have to talk things out -_

A pair of headlights sweep into view on the half empty road, and Yuu’s pulse goes into overdrive. That’s him, that’s his car, shit, shit -

The driver's door opens, and Ryuu steps out to lean on the roof of the car. “Hey, Noya.”

“Hey!” Yuu replies, caught between elation that Ryuu’s here and hesitance at how he looks. He isn’t smiling much, and he hasn’t come around the car for their usual hug.

“Good flight?”

“Not too bad, for seventeen hours.”

“Cool. Need my help with your stuff?”

“Nah, I got it!”

Ryuu nods, and he’s already ducking back inside the car as Yuu drags his stuff to the trunk.

Something is very, very wrong.

Yuu still tries to act like he would otherwise as they drive back, asking after everyone and trying to get Ryuu to talk to him, but it doesn’t really work. If he’d been quieter than usual the last time he picked Yuu up he’s downright silent this time, his sentences too short when he speaks, his hands too tight on the steering wheel. It’s - kind of scary, because this isn’t someone Yuu knows. If Ryuu has a problem or he’s upset he gets aggressive, not curt. He yells, he doesn’t go quiet like this, with his mouth drawn tight and his eyes like steel.

The nervous excitement from before is curdling into fear, real fear, building horribly in the pit of his stomach in a way that binds Yuu’s mouth, stills his hands, curbs his voice, makes him want to curl up into a ball and hide far, far away.

No, this is not a fear he knows, and it’s _definitely_ the worst he’s ever faced.

 _It’ll be fine when we get to his place_ , Yuu tells himself, staring at the road with unseeing eyes. _The second we get there, I’ll ask if we can talk. If he doesn’t want me there afterwards it’s fine, I’ll leave, but we really fucking need to fix this._

That doesn’t happen, though. Because the second they get there, the second Yuu toes off his shoes and takes a breath to say _Ryuu, we need to talk -_

\- Ryuu is kissing him hard, all sharp teeth and bruising grip, pinning Yuu to the wall by his wrists.

 _Oh_ , Yuu thinks, a little dizzily, swallowing a gasp as Ryuu presses a relentless thigh between his legs. _He wants - but -_

If this is what Ryuu wants, then that’s - that’s fine. That’s good, right? That means that even if Ryuu isn’t his usual self, he still wants Yuu, which is good. They can do this and talk in the morning, Yuu supposes. So he relaxes in Ryuu’s grip, letting him press him into the wall as hard as he wants, tipping his chin up obligingly for him to bite the side of his neck.

Ryuu doesn’t relax in turn, though, doesn’t slow the pace for a millisecond, and Yuu, his skin burning under his hands, starting to feel uncomfortably like cornered prey, can’t tell which of them this is supposed to feel good for. It certainly doesn’t feel good for him, and Ryuu doesn’t particularly seem to be enjoying this either.

“Ryuu, wait -” Yuu pulls at his grip, trying to get his wrists free. “Hey -”

Ryuu kisses him again, hot and demanding, and Yuu jerks back from it, his head thudding into the wall. All he can manage is a grunt, trying to lift a knee to jab into Ryuu’s side, but he’s not listening, not stopping -

He tears his mouth away and manages to yank one wrist free, gasping for breath as he shoves at Ryuu’s chest hard. “Ryuu, stop! The fuck is wrong with you?”

Ryuu takes a step back, panting, still looming over Yuu. He looks almost upset for a second before he makes a sound that’s an approximation of a laugh, quiet and harsh.

“What do you mean, what’s wrong with me? This what you want, right? So let’s do it already.”

It’s like a savage knife to the stomach, clean and burning like ice - _let’s do it already_ \- and Yuu can only stare at him for a moment, too shocked to move, to speak.

“ _What?_ What the hell is that supposed to mean?!”

Ryuu shrugs with one shoulder, his eyes still gleaming like bitter steel as he looks down at Yuu. “That’s all I am now, right? Someone convenient to have sex with when you come back home? So let’s just do it, and then you can go off to the next place -”

“You -” Fury and confusion and pain swell like a tidal wave, and Yuu grabs Ryuu by the collar, pushing him so hard he hits the wall opposite, so angry he can barely speak. “The hell is your problem, Ryuu?! If you don’t want to do this anymore than just - just fucking say that, don’t act like I think of you like - like you’re nothing to me except - you’re my best goddamn friend, for fuck’s sake!”

Ryuu laughs again, mockingly this time. “Best friend, huh? When was the last time you texted me before tonight? When was the last time you called? I know you were talking to Chikara and Asahi-san more than me, and you probably talk to your hot foreign friends more than me, too.”

There’s real hurt in his voice, and Yuu knows it’s justified. “That’s - I was wrong to stop texting, that was my fault. I’m - I’m sorry.” His hands go a little slack where they’re clutching Ryuu’s shirt. “I just - I had a lot of stuff going on, but I heard from Asahi-san that you weren’t doing okay and I thought you were going to - I wanted to call, I just didn’t know how to - what to -”

Ryuu reaches up to grip both his wrists, his eyes flashing dark and furious. “You spoke to _Asahi-san_ about me? You couldn’t fucking call me yourself to find out how I was doing? Fuck you, Noya, seriously, why do you even bother coming back to Japan or hitting me up if you don’t even care enough to -”

“I do care, goddamn it! Ryuu, I -”

“ - just fucking leave and we can stop this bullshit, instead of you acting like everything is normal, pretending that we’re the same as we’ve always been in front of our friends -”

“Listen to me, for fuck’s sake!” Noya almost screams. “What’s _wrong_ with you? Why’re you saying these things?!”

“Like you don’t know, Noya!”

“I don’t! I don’t know! Tell me what I did wrong, and I’ll fix it, I swear I’ll fix it, but you have to fucking tell me!”

Yuu’s hands are shaking as he glares up at Ryuu, so helpless and so furious as Ryuu glares right back, and he doesn’t know if he wants to punch him and run away or kiss him and sob into his shirt. If only he was good at all this - this messy shit, all these emotions, if only he was good at it like he is at volleyball and he is at talking to new people he’d know what to do to fix all this and get his best friend back. But he doesn’t know, and he’s standing here with Ryuu looking at him with those _eyes_ , those eyes that make him want to sink to his knees and break down right here in the genkan, make him want to go back to the start and never go to that _fucking_ bar in the first place if it would mean he wouldn't be standing here now, hearing Ryuu spitting this poison and being able to do nothing but swallow it because _he doesn't know what he did and doesn't know how to fix it_ -

Ryuu exhales, long and slow and just a little unsteady, and his hands drop away to hang limply by his sides.  
  
“Forget it,” he says, the very softness of his voice deafening in the sudden silence. He’s looking away from Yuu, down at the floor. “I shouldn’t have even - I’m sorry. For saying all those - those shitty things. I know you had your own shit to deal with, I know you were busy, I know you have this whole life that I’m not part of, and I’ll never be part of it, and that’s - that’s fine. I know you still cared. I’m just - weak, I guess. Or fucking stupid, I don’t know. One of the two.” He smiles for the first time that night, a small, wavering thing that damn near breaks Yuu’s heart. “I’m really sorry, forget I even -”

“ _No_ ,” Noya snarls. “You don’t get to do that, you don’t get to just fucking - just tell me what’s wrong, Ryuu - why would you say all I want from you is sex? You know that’s not true, you know we’re - we’re best friends -”

Ryuu’s smile twists, and Yuu wants to scream.

“Ryuu, _please_ ,” he says, his voice breaking, and it’s only then that he realizes he’s crying. “Please, please just tell me, and I swear to you I’ll fix it, I’ll do anything, anything, just - please - look at me, tell me -”

Ryuu finally meets his gaze again, his shoulders slumping, tears gleaming in his eyes. “You really wanna hear it?” he says, so, so quietly. “Fine. I can’t do this anymore, Noya. I know this thing was never supposed to be something serious, but I can’t. I - I love you too much to just - be a one night stand whenever you come home. It’s killing me, it feels like you’re tearing me apart, and I’m - so fucking sorry, I know you never wanted that. You - you didn’t do anything wrong - I mean, apart from not texting, that was kinda shitty, but. The rest was all on me.”

Yuu takes a step back, his mind whirling as he tries to process what Ryuu just said.

_I love you too much to just be a one night stand -_

“Wait - so it wasn't just me?” he says, half incredulous, still crying. “You love me too?”

Ryuu’s eyes snap to him. “Don’t tease me,” he growls, and he’s crying too, now, tears streaming down his cheeks. “Don’t you fucking _dare_ make this a joke, Noya -”

“It’s not a joke,” Yuu whispers. He barely recognizes his own voice, it’s so uncertain and disbelieving. “I thought - I thought you wanted to break things off because it was still just casual for you, I thought you didn’t want me anymore, and I was so scared you’d tell me to just fuck off one day, and - god, I love you so much and I miss you so fucking much when you’re not with me -”

Ryuu is stone still against the wall, staring at him blankly. “You - but you’ve never once said - I never thought that you -”

“Neither did you,” Yuu says, with a sound that’s halfway between a laugh and a sob. “Fuck - that’s what I did wrong, right? I’m a fucking idiot, god - I should have told you, I should have told you a thousand fucking times, I love you and I need you and I don’t know what my life would be without you, and it wasn’t - it wasn’t just sex for me, it was everything, Ryuu, please believe me, _please_ -”

Ryuu pulls him into a crushing hug with a hurt sound, squeezing Yuu so tight he can barely breathe, but Yuu’s too busy clutching his shirt and crying his heart out to notice. He notices when Ryuu kisses the top of his head, though, and his shoulder and his ear and his cheek and every part of him that he can reach.

“I love you so much, fuck,” Ryuu murmurs shakily into his hair, still holding him tight. “Noya, hey - I’ve got you, it’s okay. We’re okay, you hear me?”

Yuu nods into his chest, trembling and exhausted and still crying, but smiling through his tears with so much happiness, he thinks his heart might burst from trying to contain it all.

He’s finally, finally home.

***

_A day later_  
  


“Guys!” Noya yells the second he steps into the bar, sakura petals caught in his hair, holding Ryuunosuke’s hand tight and grinning hugely. “Listen up!”

Suga-san and Yamaguchi and Yachi look startled, Asahi-san looks slightly apprehensive, and Chikara - Chikara looks at them, and then their hands, and then he looks at Ryuunosuke with widening eyes.

“What is it?” Yamaguchi says.

“We’re boyfriends now!” Noya shouts, loud enough to be heard three towns over.

“Wait, what?”

“What?”

“You’re - what?”

“Yep,” Ryuunosuke grins, just as wildly as Noya. “We’re together now!”

“Fucking _finally_ ,” Chikara groans, burying his head in his arms. “It finally happened, oh god. My prayers have been answered.”

“I saw you smilin’, Chikara, quit acting like you ain’t the happiest person here,” Ryuunosuke laughs, digging an elbow into his ribs as he sits down next to him.

“Congratulations, guys,” Asahi-san says, pushing two drinks towards them, smiling broadly as he settles his chin in one hand to listen. “Sit down, and tell us all about it.”

“That’ll take a while, Asahi-san,” Noya laughs, sitting down next to Ryuunosuke and leaning into him comfortably. “Sure you got the time?”

“ ‘Course we got the time,” Ryuunosuke grins, slinging an arm around Noya’s - his _boyfriend’s_ \- shoulders and hugging him close. “We’ve got all the time in the world, now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my first self insert is really deepa's weird but indulgently tolerated anime-obsessed best friend huh  
> well, at least it's accurate characterization ksdjfksdj
> 
> thank you very much for reading!! thanks to [jane](https://twitter.com/kurokenns) for being my new zealand tourism consultant lmao - the Californian expats at Raglan beach and the [Jaffa Race](https://www.topendsports.com/sport/unusual/jaffa-race.htm) and the police officer at the Queenstown train station were thanks to her! (I was informed that Queenstown does not in fact have a train station but I put one in anyway hehe)
> 
> For more context about Noya's time in India -  
> [kurta/veshti combo](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/9c/cd/d4/9ccdd4b07e4080344835a3b2e434338d.jpg)  
> [a typical veshti because the other pic doesn't show it fully](http://im.rediff.com/news/2014/jul/17veshti1.jpg)  
> [Pongal](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pongal_\(festival\))  
> [Kolam](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kolam)  
> a 17 year old would certainly not be wearing anything quite this, uh, transparent, but [this](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BiBkTcsnhQk/UpCebD_QRmI/AAAAAAAA4RU/mF5iYYsTUwM/s1600/Blue-half-Saree.jpg) is a very pretty blue half-sari  
> 'Anna' means the same thing as 'onii-san'  
> Kerala is a southwestern coastal state with a sizable Christian population - stereotypical exports include coconuts, fish curry, and IT professionals who work in Dubai. I was in Kerala for Christmas and I got cake, so Noya was in Kerala for Chistmas and got cake :) 
> 
> Thanks again to Tono for requesting this gorgeously painful fic, and thank you again for reading! Feedback and constructive criticism are always deeply appreciated. You can find me [here](https://yaelathewordsmith.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr and [here](https://twitter.com/writer_yaela) on Twitter for commission info!
> 
> Edit: lord I'm so sorry for clogging the notes but [saturnic](https://twitter.com/frolicoma) on Twitter made a [playlist](https://twitter.com/frolicoma/status/1347955115194343425) for the fic!!!!! oh god it's so lovely my heart was breaking, please give it a listen! it's [here](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLTdrkB_r83CqJEMG07t96hjBwIxypP5Cx) on youtube if you don't have spotify. all we need now is a podfic version of this and an amv/animatic and it'd be the perfect multimedia project ksjksdfj


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